The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

The Gender Tag (updated!)

Sup homies.

Yeah I know I did this like five months ago, but I think things have changed since then. I want to update it, just to annoy you.

Love you hehe.

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1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

So I self identify as genderflux, meaning that my gender flows between feeling agender to boy. Sometimes I feel like a combination of those two.

2. What pronouns honor you?

They/them/theirs, he/him/his, and xe/xem/xir. I really like all of these pronouns, and depending on the day, I'll refer to myself differently.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I guess my style could be described as androgynous masculine. I tend to wear very masculine clothing, and I like to bind my chest and present masculinely, but I do also like some feminine things.

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

I generally don't style my hair, since I get out of bed pretty late in the mornings. I usually just wash it every other day. When I do style it, I tend to style it at the front so it looks more masculine. Since I'm not amab (;-;), I don't have facial hair. I do usually choose to shave my underarms, however I'm currently experimenting with not shaving them for a while. I also don't usually shave my leg hair, but I do every once in a while just because in that small moment I can't stand it. Then I miss it after.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

I don't choose to wear makeup, mostly because I'm lazy, and it also just doesn't make me feel comfortable with myself to have on makeup. I do like to paint my nails, and I like all the things I can do to make my nails like super aesthetic. However, since I'm not allowed to have my nails painted for work, I really haven't been painting them lately. While I don't use perfume, I do like a specific type of really good smelling soap. The name of the soap is Irish Springs, and it smells heavenly. I also just use generic shampoo and conditioner, really whatever my parents bring home from the store.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

I experience being misgendered every single day. I'm out to practically no one at my school, so everyone calls me by my birth name and pronouns all the time. I'm also not out to my family, so I get called my birthname and all varieties of nicknames from it at my house every day.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

I do experience dysphoria, and this can tend to make my life miserable. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror when I go to shower, and I get very uncomfortable about my breasts/fat distribution on my body. It tends to add to my overall feelings of self hate, but I've learned to tune it out.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

At this point, I think I have grown mildly more interested in having one child that I will not carry when I get older. I think I really want to spread my views and kindness to a child, and it would be really awesome if I could save them from an orphanage. If and when I have a child, I would like to split the care evenly between my partner and I.

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

To me, it's not necessarily important who provides for the family financially more or less. It's more important that you work together with your partner to provide care and opportunities for a child. It's not necessarily important to me that I earn more money than my partner. I think at the current moment I actually do earn much less than them, and it hasn't really bothered me.

While I do prefer to pay for 'dates', I acknowledge the fact that I don't always have the means to do so. Recently I've grown more comfortable with not always being able to pay, which has really helped me feel a bit better about not always being able to buy everything. I've also grown more comfortable with the notion of people buying things for me. Before, I really wanted to flaunt my masculinity through money and money dominance, but now I've kind of toned that down as I've become more in tune with myself.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

It's been a long and winding road. I've identified as many things, and now I've finally found something that fits. I'm still working on accepting and loving myself fully, but it is slowly improving over time. I'm glad to share that experience with you all too, even if I hardly write educationally enriching chapters anymore. I appreciate you guys sticking through.

Anyway.

Love you.

A slightly less stressed Markie out. (I've come to the conclusion I'm agender today)