The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

Self Love

Hey guys.

Sorry it's been a while. I had a really stressful Thursday and Friday, and all this weekend I've been away on a religious (barf I nearly died) retreat. I had to share a room with my sister Lavender, but eh, that part was surprisingly ok.

I've been feeling really shitty the past five days, and have only just started to feel a little better. The past few days were extremely dysphoric for me, as I was constantly misgendered and had to wear things that accentuated my feminine features. Not to mention, this really creepy guy was always following me, sitting too close to me, talking to me, and just generally making me really creeped out and unsettled. I was also having nightmares and flashbacks, and certainly did not get enough sleep any night.

I've been working on homework all day today, but I feel like it wasn't so bad. For once in my life, I wasn't extremely stressed out over getting it done, even though I had two essays and other assignments. I looked back and saw that I did a lot of self love today.

First, I slept in. Granted, it added to my stress a bit later, but everything turned out alright and I made it anyway.

Next, in the long car ride home, I just listened to music the whole time, since I hadn't been able to all weekend. Patrick Stump's voice was literally like the voice of God when I heard it like t b h it was almost a religious experience my whole body just gained energy and happiness.

Then, I got home and took a break. I caught up on my YouTube, played some games aka Neko Atsume I fucking love my cats.

I did some work. I read more of the play I needed to for my English class, and I did my relatively easy pre calculus homework.

Then I got up, stretched a little bit, and made myself lunch, and ate it. It was really good, I had some chicken nuggets, and it was a refresher after the terrible food I ate all weekend.

After lunch I came back into my room and took another long break, of course procrastinating my two essays because I very much did not want to do them. I watched more YouTube, which made me feel a lot better.

Just as I was about to start my first essay, my oldest brother Norm came over with my niece, Lollipop. He had come to drop her off with my parents, but they were out with Buttface at the store (meaning I was home alone and they didn't bother to tell me). It was alright though. I got some personal time with her, and it made me very at ease and relaxed, because she's very fun and silly and innocent.

After my brother left, I started my first essay, did about half, then went into my room to finish the rest. After I finished that essay, I went out to eat dinner and Lollipop really wanted to play with me more. She and I cuddled for a while in this little tent thing she has, and I was just very relaxed.

After that, I came back into my room and worked hard to finish my second essay. It was actually much easier that I had anticipated it being, and I was very happy.

Finally, I went upstairs and took a long, hot shower, which felt amazing after not having very much access to one all weekend. I felt clean and refreshed, and it was even better after I brushed my teeth.

I feel like today I treated myself well. It wasn't often that I was cursing myself, or feeling very much stress, which was like through the roof amazing. I don't know why I really thought I should share my whole day, but I guess I just wanted to show you that a little self love can go a long long way.

Love you guys. Love yourself, ok?

Grey out.