The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

Happy(ish) Easter

Hey guys.

To start off, happy Easter to those of you who celebrate. My family is heavily catholic, so we had to go to church today (I had to wear a dress and let me tell you it's fucking awful especially since I just found my gender again) and we had a family lunch/dinner thing.

I say family, but all I really mean is my brother Norm and my niece, my brother Tuck who's come back from school on break for a few days, and my grandparents.

My brothers left halfway through the day to go to their grandmother's, so really we only hung out with my grandparents.

The food was good. I ate way more than I should have, especially considering I've gotten to a weight I'm almost happy with, so I'm dreading the next time I weigh myself, but it's whatever I guess. I was misgendered so many times today that it's triggered my dysphoria, and I've been feeling generally uncomfortable all day with myself.

What was cool about today was that I got to have longer talks with my grandfather, which is something I don't generally get to do. Especially since my grandfather just got out of the hospital, it's really nice to be able to see him. I was talking to him mostly about technical and engineery type stuff, since I'm interested in majoring in engineering when I go to college. My grandfather and I talked about bridges for a while, and he told me a lot of stories of when he was in the Army Corps of Engineers when he was younger. It's always so cool to hear about that stuff. It's weird for me to think about when he was younger, because I've only ever known him when he's been severely physically disabled. But it's awesome to think about when he was young and doing all this stuff. He even talked to me about how when he dies, he wants to give me his Army Corps of Engineers pins and his dress blues and greens, and special pins that were passed down to him from his father. Those things are really important to me. They may not matter to anyone else, but I've always been interested in the stuff my grandfather did when he was in the military. He hardly ever talks about it, so I was happy to listen. Plus, to be honored with him wanting to give me such valuable things made me tear up a little as he was talking about it. I love my grandfather with all my heart, and it's always been scary to me every time he goes into the hospital. So when he says he wants to give me all these special things, it really touches my heart a lot.

I just hope that when I get older, and he doesn't die before I come out, he'll still want to give that stuff to me. No matter how I identify, that stuff means so much to me, and I hope to god they love me enough to not cast me out of their lives.

I'm sorry. This is like super emotional like way more than I wanted it to be and now I'm crying. I'll be going. Hope you guys had a good day, ok?

Markie out. (demiboy)