The Diary of a Struggling Genderfluid: 2

The Pen and My Chances

First of all before it gets slightly depressing I would like to credit Ronnie with the new cover. They thought the old one was boring.

Ok, here we go.

Warning depressing.

So I was in my mythology class today, and my friend's pen just broke out of nowhere. I picked up the piece that had fallen into the ground and gave it back to her. She put it back together and held it there, said quickly "There! All fixed." She then put it down and the part fell off again.

And immediately like literally out of nowhere my mind hit me with this.

The pen broke. She put the pen back together. But no matter how perfect it looked, it was still broken.

It reminded me of something I've done countless times with myself, and you've probably done it too. I've broken maybe, but I put myself back together and hold myself together just long enough to make everything seem perfect. Nothing looks out of place, not a speck of hair or a crack would make it seem you were broken. And yet, no matter how long you hold it together, it's still broken.

I'm not saying I feel like that right now. I'm just saying my brain just slapped me in the face with that.

Another thing that happened recently.

Do you guys remember that cool teacher that was gonna call me Grey?

I think I fucked that up.

Last Friday, while I think I was on break, I was supposed to be hosting a table for his class at an elective fair at our school. The day before, I pulled him aside and told him I'd be going by my birth name during that. But I don't think he heard me right. I think he thinks I'm going by my birth name now, but I don't want to correct him again and confuse him. He called me my birth name the other day and I realized how uncomfortable it makes me. I'm...

I don't know what to do.

Might as well do my chores and homework now. Bye until a few hours guys.

G out. (agender)