Zayn has been taught since birth that gay people end up in hell. It's never been a big deal to him until he goes off to uni and his room mate is a very attractive, openly gay man.
It's not until 2 am that I realize that I'm not going to get any sleep tonight. I've been tossing and turning for hours, trying to get comfortable.
I just can't seem to shake the terrible feeling in my stomach. What I'm doing with Liam is wrong. It goes against anything I've ever been taught. But why does it feel so right?
I groan in frustration, pulling my long hair out of my face with a headband. I really need to cut it shorter.
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I get up from my uncomfortable bed, making my way to the living room. I don't know what I want but I need to do something, my skin is itching, I'm losing my mind.
I've never been good at dealing with stress and other situations that don't happen on an everyday basis. I always end up blowing everything way out of proportion and freaking myself out.
But that sad part is, I don't think I'm blowing anything out of proportion this time. My family will literally disown me if they find out I'm gay or bi or pan or whatever the fuck I am.
I don't realize that I'm pacing until I trip over my own feet and fall to the ground, making lots of noise in the process.
Instead of getting up, I stay on the ground and try to steady my rapid breath as hot tears roll down my face.
I'm scared.
I don't know how much time passes, but a couple minutes later, I find myself walking out of the living room and back towards my room. But instead of going to my room, I find my feet leading me to Liam's room.
I sniffle, quite loudly, before swinging the door open.
I'm a weak person and it's pretty obvious I can't do this on my own. I'll lose my mind.
I'm taking small steps through the dark room, towards the snoring Liam. My heart flutters at the sight of him. His large body is spread out across the small bed, his arms hanging off the side.
I wipe the remains of my tears off my face before lifting up one of his arms, and sneaking into bed with him. My face immediately falls onto his warm, bare chest and I wrap all my limbs around him.
I can tell he woke up by the way his breathing changed, I feel a bit bad for waking him but I also really need to hear his voice. I need him to assure me and tell me it'll be okay even though he has no idea.
"Zayn?" He whispers.
I lift my face to look into his large eyes, filled with worry. "Li 'm sorry for waking you." I mumble, pressing a kiss to his jaw.
He sighs, laying his head down next to mine. "It's fine Z, you really scared me though. I didn't know who you were." He chuckles.
I don't respond but instead, I grab his hand and begin fiddling with his fingers. His long fingers that I love so much.
"What's wrong princess?" He asks, using his other hand to pull the headband out of my hair and he begins brushing my hair out. It's a very calming feeling.
"Can't sleep." I whine, giving his hand a squeeze.
Liam sighs. "I'm sorry but I really don't like your dad."
I chuckle. "I understand."
He doesn't say anything for a while. "You're so beautiful Zayn. In all lighting you somehow always manage to take my breath away."
His voice is so raw and pure, it gives me chills. "You really think so?" I ask, nibbling on the skin under his ear.
He shivers, causing me great delight. "I really think so Z." He says.
I shift so my leg is laying across his body, as if trying to pull him even closer to me. "Well I think you're so much more beautiful than I will ever be." I tell him.
He shakes his head. "Nonsen-"
"Can I ask you something, Li?" I ask, my heart picking up speed a bit.
He frowns. "Anything."
"Do you ever have second thoughts about being with me?" I ask.
He raises an eyebrow, giving my hand a squeeze. "Of course not. Where'd you get that stupid idea?" He asks, almost sounding offended.
I shrug. "Well don't you ever get tired of always being judged for not being straight?"
He bites his lip, eyes watching me closely. It's quite intimidating, to be honest.
"No. Because I really like you and I don't care what others think. If this is about your dad, I-"
"It's not about my dad. I was just wondering." I say.
He furrows his eyebrows. "So you're having second thoughts about being with me?"
I open and close my mouth, not knowing what to say. "Not in the way that you'd think." I mumble.
He scoffs. "Are you serious Zayn? So let's just break up, wouldn't want you to have to suffer." He scoffs.
Tears burn at the back of my eyes. "No Liam, please! Can I just explain?" I beg him.
He shakes his head. "Whatever. I'm going to sleep. Talk tomorrow." He says, rolling over.
Tears are rolling down my face once again. Why'd I have to open up my big mouth and ruin everything again?
I resist the urge to reach out and touch his defined back. Instead, I get up and make my way out of the small room.
It's not until I'm back in my bed, the covers over my head, that I allow my self to fully cry. My whole body shakes as I lose control. My life is a mess.
