Kings (Jaspar)

Joe

I am not going to acknowledge the whole Jaspar moving out because it makes me way too sad, so here's a chapter.

I walk into Zoe's room after Alfie. The second the door closes I slide down against it. I had spent my whole life trying to be strong. I wanted to be strong for my Mum when my Dad left, I tried to stay strong for Zoe when she got sick, and now I had to stay strong for Caspar. I tried to stay strong as he was prepped, I wrote a note to his sister as he told me what to say since he was too weak to write, I held his hand as his bed was taken to surgery, and I used all my strength too hold back tears as I kissed him one last time and he said he would see me soon.

But I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't be strong so there on the hospital floor, I let out it all out. I buried my face in my hands and cried my eyes out. I let myself really think it for the first time, Caspar might die, I might never see him again, never kiss him again, never tell him I love him again, but I will never stop loving him.

"It's okay." I expect to hear Zoe's voice but instead it's Alfies "it will be okay."

I look up to see that Zoe is asleep. She looks at peace and happy, like she's a child again with no problems. Alfie on the other hand was sitting next to me, his face looks much like mine worn and tired. He puts his arm around me and pulls me close and cry into his shoulder.

"I can't.. He can't.. This is all my fault..." I mumble incomplete sentences unable to process what is happening.

"Joe, nobody knows more then me how hard this is. But we have to trust that there is a plan. Joe You are like a brother to me, so just let it out." He says in a surprisingly calming voice.

So the two of us sit on the floor and cry for hours. Eventually Zoe wakes up and Alfie tells her what is happening while I cry and cuddle with Zoe.

Troye and Connor come and I hug them each in turn. Both of their eyes are red from crying.

"This isn't happening." Troyes says as he holds me in a tight hug. The hug lingers for longer then a normal hug, but I am almost thankful, glad to have the support. But when the hug ends he goes back and holds Connors hand.

It's ironic that's the only person who could get me through this is Caspar. I hug my friends, I talk to them, cuddle with my sister, but it never feels the same as when Caspar and I were together. I want him near, I want him forever.

"Guys I forgot," Troye says suddenly breaking the hours of silence "Merry Christmas."

"Oh right," I say I totally forgot "merry Christmas guy. I love you all."

"We love you too Joe." Connor says wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"How about we share Caspar moments?" Zoe says. "Is that okay Joe?"

"Yeah," I say smiling at all my great memories with Caspar. "I love that idea. You start."

"Okay," she says "I promised not to tell you this Joe, but on the day of your first date Caspar drove all the way out here and talked to me. He was so nervous Joe. He paced the room like 90 times, I gave him some advice and as he was leaving he gave me a giant hug. And then he said I know I shouldn't say this but I love him and I want to marry that guy."

I wipe a tear from my eye. I can't believe he said that on our first date! I love that about Caspar he loves hard and unconditionally.

"Okay let me tell a story" Alfie says "there was this one day when I was being a jerk to you guys, but it was also a day where Zoe was super sick and I was really stressed out and sad. Anyways I went to the bathroom and started crying. Then suddenly Caspar came in, the look on his face was so soft and caring he wrapped me in this warm hug, told me it would be okay, his eye was still bruised from when I hit him but he didn't care."

"He does that," I say "he cares about other people so much."

"What about you?" Connor asks me

"Well. I would have to say when we got engaged." I say.

"What!" The room says in chorus.

"When he was out I asked him to marry me and some how he remembers."

Then the door creeks open and I spin around to see a nurse standing in the door.

"Umm hello are you Caspars friends and family?" She says

"Yes is there news!?" Alfie says

I am too nervous to speak so I sit there my arms around Zoe. I squeeze her tight and I grab her hand and hold it tight.