Forever Lost

Chapter 50

2 months later 

Sam's POV 

''Hi mom... (sigh) I just realized that this might or might not be my last new years eve with you.. I still want to tell you something, even though it might not be something you'd want to know.... I will spare you the details, because honestly.. I'm sick of talking about it. But it's happening, mom.. My times is expiring. I'm dying.'' I silently and ironically laughed. 

''And I have no idea what I'm doing.. All I want to do right now is to go back in time, and just be the person I was when I was with Shawn, listen to his voice, his songs and just ask him hundreds of questions. But that can't happen. I can't let him know.. Mom, tell me what to do... I honestly don't know how to deal with this - With Jaden? Shawn? How to tell Melody? Melody still has no idea what I've been hiding.. And Cam.. I'm ashamed of myself because I know I should be better and I have no idea how to get there. How can I make it all right again. Mom.. I need you here. God I miss you...'' I almost cried, but I had to be strong. 

Since mom has been gone, I've visited her grave every year on new years eve. And I remember last year, and this year.. Is so different. It's actually funny or I mean sad to see how many things can happen in a year. 

Last year to new years eve, I sat here by your grave with shawn by my side, and now I'm all by myself. I'm alone..  And till this day I still remember the day I last saw Shawn, by my door.. That was the last time I ever saw him. 

Today, I know nothing about him anymore. But walking around town, I still hear his fans talking about they saw him. But I never did, maybe he stopped caring.. Maybe I should stop as well. But how can I make myself do that? How can I stop care about Shawn... 

''Sam'' Someone tapped me on the back. As I turned around, I wished with all my heart it was shawn. But of course.. You never get what you wish for. 

''Hey Cam, how'd you know I was here?'' I wiped away my tears. 

''Melody told me'' He hugged me, knowing that I needed one. Cam has been here like my best friend, but something bothered him and he hasn't told me anything about why or how Andrea went on holiday. Maybe something happened between them, that I don't know about? 

''Really terrible things happen to really amazing people'' He sighed looking at my moms grave and then turned to me. ''Sam.. you never leave your room, and you barely eat. You can't continue torturing yourself like this. Shawn's still living at my house'' As soon as he mentioned Shawn, I cut him off.

 ''Cam, stop..'' I wanted to cry but I had to stay STRONG! ''Shawn can't know about me.. And no matter how much I want him back, I can't do this to him. I just can't''