i n c o n s o l a b l e

- chapter 37 -

| Elise |

"Oh my gosh, they're everywhere..." Elise mumbled under her breath as yet another cluster of university-shopping crazed teens stampeded by her mother and her into Bed Bath & Beyond.

"What was that, sweetie?" Her mother asked as she combed through her bag, presumably looking for her car keys.

"All of the university kids." Elise said bitterly, feeling the acid of the sentence burn her tongue.

"I suppose they just want to get a head start on shopping." Her mother answered distractedly and finally fishes the keys out.

Elise allowed her mother's seemingly non-meaningful answer to sink in; it held more weight than she could really understand. How on earth did all these teens get into Universities, and I didn't? She wondered miserably, and chided herself for her pouting, they probably didn't set themselves up for failure by only applying to one university, she scolded and is surprised by her own harshness.

Elise hugged her shoulders as they walked towards their parked vehicle, she knew she shouldn't be so hard on herself, in fact, she should feel excitement considering that she was applying to a wonderful art school; yet, something felt unsettled inside of her, as if her very core was splintering, ever-so-slightly as she acknowledged each comment, said aloud or in her head to herself.

A wave of nausea rolled through her and she fumbled while opening the passenger side door, "Are you alright, sweetie?" Her mother asked, brows drawn with concern, "You're a little pale."

She attempted to collect herself, but the nausea slithered and coiled about her stomach like angry snakes, "I'm fine." She said meekly, "I think I'm just a little dehydrated."

Her mother nodded, obviously unconvinced, "If you say so."

Elise slipped into the seat and attempted to be inconspicuous about her calming breaths; at least she had Elliot, she reminded herself, he allowed her to gather up her own self hatred and ominous thoughts and lock them away.

You're crazy, Elise, she thought; she barely even knew Elliot, didn't know many significant things about him, really, yet she had so much faith and trust in him that it was off-kiltering, unsettling even.

He stabilized her. She would have been the perfect girl for him a few months ago, before the rejection letter - she had been so full of life and happiness and hope, it would have complimented Elliot's free-spiritedness. Now, however, she was merely a fraction of that - the darkness of her own mind was all consuming, in reality, she thought, she was nowhere near good enough for him.

All she could hope was that he didn't realize her inadequacy, her incompetence. She needed him, needed him like a person suffering of a collapsed lung needed an oxygen pump - relying on it for survival - for she knew she wasn't capable of inflating herself again without him.

Another roll of nausea caused Elise to bend forward from the pain, "Elise, are you alright?" Her mother's worried voice cut through her foggy thoughts, "I'm fine." she mumbled, knowing that she was anything but.