A/N: Hii babes I'm back after a long break from my oneshots back with my most recent one! I wrote this one right after watching the most recent episode and it was slightly inspired by the theory that Lucy will get injured and Tim will have to save her. Anyway this is set a month after the breakup, and trigger warnings for mentions of suicidal thought, depression, murder, and violence . Enjoy >33
......
Lucy thought she knew misery before, she thought many of times she knew what it was like to be so depressed she couldn't eat, or sleep, or move. When she was a teenager and her mother had told her that she should've had an abortion because she was such a fucking disappointed, or that time in college she walked in on her boyfriend sleeping with her best friend, but it wasn't until two years ago she truly knew the type of depression that made her wish she was dead. After Celeb buried her alive, tattooing her date of death into her skin, or after Jackson was shot however at least then she wasn't completely utterly alone like she was now. Sure Celina had moved in, and Tamara called to check up on her once a week but she was still completely alone in the heartbreak that seemed to unravel everything in her life.
"It's not worth the risk right?" It was what she'd asked Tim that day outside of the station when she'd spilled out every feeling she had for her former training officer. "Unless it is?" he asked, he'd been so confident it was worth the risk, so sure that it was right when he gave up his job to be with her, and she thought it'd been worth it when she derailed her own career to improve his, only then for him to leave her out of nowhere. And now Lucy spent her time cursing his army buddy who's called him that night, the last night they were together before he went off the deep end and left her to pick up the broken pieces he'd left, only for him to decide that suddenly it's wasn't worth the effort. Who was he to decide what she could or couldn't handle? Who was he to get to shatter her fragile heart, and act like she never meant anything to him to begin with?
Lucy had a degree in psychology, she knew that Tim was struggling, she knew that he had years of unresolved trauma, PTSD, and he was probably depressed, but she hated that he ran from her no matter how much she could understand it, because why didn't he just trust her? What had she done wrong that her boyfriend couldn't even talk to her? And suddenly Tim wasn't the only one in a mental crisis as her spiraling only seemed to grow from anxiety, to feelings of self loathing leading to it, and while Tim seemed to heal over the past month, enough to try to speak to her on multiple occasions, but also to apologize when she had the courage to listen to the voicemail he sent last week, but she only ended up sobbing on her bathroom floor like some kind of heartbroken teenager after she listened to it, and still she couldn't figure out why.
That morning had been particularly rough on her, when Lucy had been so exhausted yet unstable to sleep, so that morning when her alarm began going off around 6am she didn't have the energy to turn it off, in fact she didn't even more. She was like a lifeless corpse, she didn't move, her eyes didn't leave the gaze on her pale orange walls as she laid beneath her blankets, on her side instead of the middle of the bad out of habit that he was sleeping next to her. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to go to work, she didn't want to speak, or eat, or function in fact she kinda just wished it would all end. That when she closed her eyes she wouldn't wake up, and she would get to be with Jackson, she really missed Jackson.
Tim regretted his decision almost instantaneously, he remembered his therapist's words far too well, "You're depriving yourself of something you love as a punishment." she'd told him, and after weeks of therapy he realized she was right, that he was depressed, traumatized from everything that'd happened over his span of his life, from his father's abuse, to Isobel's addiction, Ray was only the tip of the iceberg, the final storm it took for him to spiral. She was better off without all the baggage, she was eight years younger than him, she had so much going for her and all he'd done was hurt her. He'd left her in the dark, scared and awaiting his return unaware of weather or he was dead or alive, and still at last he still managed to put her in harms way. However at last she was still unraveled by him. He was the reason she didn't make detective, and now he was no longer in metro he knew it wasn't worth it, but what destroyed him more was the heartbroken look that seemed glued to her face every day.
