quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

sacrifices must be made

Dazai found himself floating face up in the middle of a dark ocean. He felt the water soaking his clothes, bandages sticking to his skin, yet he felt no coldness or warmth. The water felt like it had no temperature at all. 

He was staring at what he thought to be the sky, only that he could see nothing at all, just vision getting lost in a deep dark void. Not a single star and no moon in sight to acknowledge his existence. 

He was looking into everything and nothing at all at the same time. 

So this is it? , he thought. 

Dazai figured out he had probably died. 

He had reached what he was craving for so long, the one thing he ran to like a dog chasing a rabbit. Finally he had grasped the rest he so yearned for. 

And it felt like nothing at all. 

The only thing that kept him conscious was the smooth rocking of the waves moving his body around. There was no one in the ocean around him, not a single sound echoing in the background, just heavy and complete silence. 

A smile cracked on his face. 

He was being rewarded, or so he thought. He was alone, secluded from everything and everyone, he could no longer harm the people that surrounded him, nor anyone could harm him. He was perfectly safe in that dark ocean. 

Is this heaven? No, it can't, purgatory at best.  

His voice resonated inside his head and bounced around in his skull. The tide started picking up the pace, making his body move around quite violently, water splashed on his face and threatened to get inside his mouth. As he tried to move he noticed he couldn't, his limbs did not respond to his commands and stayed as they were. He was at the ocean's mercy. 

He opened his mouth to ask for help, anyone would do at this point. He was ready to plead to a God he had neglected since he was aware of what existence was, yet no sound came out of his mouth. His throat was closed and a pressure crashed his chest, making him unable to speak. 

He had no control of his body, no voice to manipulate his way through. He had no vision of what was going on around him. He was completely and utterly helpless. 

Dazai thought about Odasaku, the small hope that once he had crossed the final bridge he would be there on the other side, looking at him with a slight frown on his face yet a small smile betraying him. He thought about the agency and its members, the small family he had joined as a black sheep but somehow found himself as part of the flock. He thought about Chuuya, the memories of them annoying each other trying to cling to a normal childhood and how it all went down. He never got to tell him where he had hidden his favorite shoes. Buried up some hill out north of town. 

He thought about her. How she probably saw him die. 

Dazai could hear her screams and cries on his head, tattooed on his brain. A reminder of how much pain he can inflict on people, even without meaning it. He remembered the first time he broke down in front of her. How she touched him with such care he felt like a proper person, like he was a real human. He also remembered the first time she snapped at him, how she had hit him in the back of the head with all her strength despite being terrified of him. How he felt a little spark of hope laying in the bathtub with her as he rambled about wanting to change all the furniture of his apartment so see if something felt different and she just offered to help.