quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

control

It's time to take back control.

I have been up since 5 o'clock in the morning. I slept heavily all night but once I opened my eyes I could do nothing more than stare at the ceiling.

This is my life now, I kept saying to myself like a cheap mantra you have seen in a low budget magazine.

I wanted to go away, I wanted to start new, be free, have a brand new life, now that I got it I still feel kind of sick. My whole body felt itchy as if my skin was an old sweater that feels too raspy and uncomfortable, as if it was not mine, just a hand-me-down from some cousin I don't even know.

I got what I wanted, but once again it was forced upon me, I had no choice in the matter. Guess I can't have the sensation of freedom in this timeline, was all I could tell myself in an attempt to console myself.

At 6 am I got up, tired of rolling around in the futon, my back hurt and my head was pounding. I took a bath after the shower, taking time to see the body that felt like a stranger to me, it was weird seeing no proof of what happened to me, no scars, no bumps or bruises, it was as if it never happened, and that was confusing my brain a litte.

You see, trauma lives in the body, sometimes as the bruises on your body heal, it's easier for your brain to follow behind, understanding that it also has to process and heal and that it takes time, but I got no broken bone to follow up, not even a single scratch, all to Yosano of course, and I get that I should be grateful, recovery is hard and painful and I have cheated my way out of it.

But now what do I do with this sense of confusion and dread?

I got out of the bathtub and stared at my face in the mirror.

"There it is" I whispered to myself as I watched my reflection, the only real proof that something happened to me. A strand of my hair framing the left side of my face, all turned white, contrasting with the rest of my hair. It looks almost natural, as if it has always been there since I was born.

"You should get ready" I ordered myself as I started to do my makeup, I have always been a fan of makeup, I love the editorial looks, the colorful ones, I have a million eyeliners of different colors and textures, it's fun putting on different masks, as if you could be different people or at least different versions of yourself.

Since it's an office job I should go a little more conservative tho, not that the people working there are completely sane, I thought.

By 8 am I was ready, I put on a simple light pink dress shirt, a white kind of oversized blazer and some black dress pants I found in some box. I had a problem tho, I am having a staring contest between a pair of heels, not that high but still heels, and a pair of converse.

No matter how old I am, how corporate, or formal, I just don't like heels that much, not for a whole day at least, I can wear heels to a party, to a dinner, but work in them? Nah uh.

I was pulled out of my inner monologue by a knock on the door. So I made my way to the front entrance barefoot and opened the door.

"Good morninggg~ how did you sleep? Are you ready for your first day ever working at the coolest place in Yokohama?" Dazai said with sparkling eyes and a huge smile on his face. I just stared deadpan at him.

"No" was all I told him just to mess with him. He gave me a sad puppy look and even whined a little. This is one strange man.

"Come in, I need your help" I told him, turning my back to him and leading him to the empty living room. In front of us are two pairs of footwear. Heels to the right, converse to the left.

"Which ones?" Was all that I said while he stood beside me. There was a small pause before he answered.

"Both, you can wear the heels for now and if you get tired change into the converse, they are gonna give you a locker at the Agency so you can store them there" he said in a calm tone.