quicksand (Dazai X Reader)

hello kitty cups

I opened the door slowly. I know he will be here.

I took off my shoes and made my way to the kitchen, ignoring the head that was popping out of the couch.

I put the flowers down on the counter along with the case file. He didn't say anything and I remained in the kitchen near the knives, as if I didn't have one on each pocket of my outfit.

The tension was suffocating. Dazai Osamu, the man who never talked about his past, never let his guard down, was now exposed as being not only an ex Port Mafia member, but a former executive.

The cruel reality that I know nothing about him crushed me a little. We are close, or so I would like to believe, I think I know him more than most of the people in the Agency. I knew when he was lying, when he was mad even though he's smiling or laughing. I knew how to be around him, how to talk to him, how to manage him, and I also knew I could only do that because he let me, because I am his new plaything.

"Are you surprised?" He asked without turning around, his tone was unreadable.

"Kind of, not because of your criminal record, but the executive thing, but I guess it makes sense" I said softly.

"Are you afraid of me knowing my former profession?" He asked, turning around this time, he wants to read my reaction.

"I have always been scared of you, this just makes me feel less guilty about it" I said honestly, and I could see his stern look waver, he did the same expression that he did in the mushroom incident, a subtle indication of pain. I guess no one wants to hear people are afraid of you.

"Why didn't you tell me before, we talk more than just coworkers, and I never showed interest in the stupid 'guess the former profession' bet" I said taking an Anastasia plastic cup and filling it with water so I could give some to the flowers.

"Did you like the flowers?" He said smiling softly resting his head on his hand.

"I did, I like tulips" I responded, touching the flowers, and I could see him grin in my peripheral vision.

"Don't you think I deserve some honesty? At least today, at least now." I said softly, almost as a whisper and I finally turned to face him. The smile turned into a troubled face, I could see him think.

He sighed.

"I knew that if I told you, your fear would be justified and you would be more cautious around me, take the distance you always promised yourself you would take from me, and you know I am selfish, I didn't want you to do that" he said looking away from me and concentrating his gaze on the flowers he had chosen.

"You know I am no good at doing what's best for me" I said laughing softly.

"I do, and I take advantage of that" he confessed, still not looking at me.

"Osamu, why did you leave the Port Mafia and started to work at the Agency?" I asked him straight away, I was scared his honest streak would end.

"I can't tell you that today, but I will one day, I even promise it, but I can't today, probably not even this week, so don't wait standing up" his tone was weird, as if there were all kinds of emotions going on.

"Are you going to hurt me?" I respected his answer and changed my question.

"Most probably" he said, still avoiding my gaze.

"But I don't really want to or plan to for now, I won't hurt you intentionally for the sake of hurting you, if I hurt you it's because I think it's necessary" this time he looked at me, his eyes looking straight into mine. He is being completely honest.

I sighed.

"It better be the last fucking option, if you hurt me without a reason I will haunt you, I will take revenge, I'll get a million dogs and train them to chase you and pee on your shoes, I will also curse you so crab and sake taste like shit and piss to you" I said in a serious tone but ended up laughing in between sentences.

He smiled softly at me.

He stood up and walked to the kitchen until he was standing right in front of me. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head and turned around as if to leave.

I stared at his figure, he looked tired, he was dragging his feet a little and his breathing was slower than usual. He had more layers of bandages around his wrists.

"Where are you going?" I blurted out. He turned around confused.

"Home, it's getting late." he said, still walking to the doorway.

"I still have questions for you" I told him rather quickly. And he stopped, and turned his head to me.

"If you want me to stay you have to say it" he said slyly, he had a smirk on his lips but his eyes looked so sad.

"Stay." I said, giving in. I knew he was feeling vulnerable, I knew he wanted to take control back, and so I gave it to him, because now there was no point in lying to myself saying I don't care about him. I care about Dazai, I like his company, I like talking to him and fighting with him.

"Why?" He asked with his hand on the doorknob.

"Because you are my friend and I care about you, and I'm scared of what you'll do if I let you go" I said with my voice breaking a little, I felt like crying but I don't exactly know why.

Was it because I know there's no going back now? Accepting the fact that I care about this poor excuse of a man that will bring nothing but trouble and hurt? Or because I was finally being honest with myself?

"Good enough" he said, putting his Yozo the clown mask on and skipping to the kitchen. He grabbed my hand and kissed it, then took out a bottle of sake and two hello kitty cups and pulled me to the sofa by the hand.

"What do you want to watch?" He asked while serving the drinks.

"Anything with a happy ending" I responded.

"Make a sexual insinuation and I will slap you" I added and he laughed and I did too. I guess I am no good.

He is really Lucifer and it's true I am no Eve, I am not being fooled by the snake, I am Lilith, I'm choosing me, the chaos, the freedom, and the hurt it may bring me.