Not Today but Forever

Do You Actually Love Me?

Time actually flies by because it is now February. Valentine's day was coming up and Nathan and I have been together since October.

We have been even closer than ever and would talk about stuff that we didn't know about eachother or never really told eachother.

"Okay okay okay, so you're telling me that you actually didnt know that santa wasn't real until you were 15?" I laughed a little loud and he rolled his eyes while smiling.

"Listen okay? Santa is very sneaky! I might still believe hes a little real right now." He mumbles the last part but I hear it which makes me laugh even more.

My father's alcohol problem started to fade away. To cope without acohol he usually writes in notebooks or cuddles with mom on the couch.

It actually makes me happy to see that we are becoming a happy family again.

Now I see why my mother said give him some time.

I told my parents i was dating Nathan and they actually got pretty happy for me. Well my mother did, my father just looked away and grumbled but i just laughed and hugged him for the first time in years.

I know he worries about me a lot but I'm okay now and I like Nathan.

The only problem I'm having is that I don't know if I really love him.

Even though everything is getting better, I still don't believe in love because of my parents. I know it sounds horrible and unbelievable but I can't help but think about what would happen if i would get hurt like that.

I wouldn't want my husband to turn into a drunk.

I wouldn't want Nathan to cheat on me.

Nathan drove to the park and we sat together on a bench. "Hey, why so glum?" I looked at Nathan confused but then realized that I must've looked a bit sad because of all my thinking.

"Oh it's nothing, I'm fine!" I smile a little at him but then look away.

"Do you want to maybe come over to my place to hangout? We can eat pizza and watch "Cinderella" your all time favorite disney movie!" I looked a little at him and just smiled a bit while nodding my head slightly.

"Sure."

I noticed Nathan scoff a bit and looked down at his hands seeming a little sad.

"Nathan? Whats the mat-"

"do you actually love me?" Nathan tilted his head up at me, cutting me off and I looked at him in shock, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Nathan looked at me seriously and I could tell he was a little frustrated after I asked that question like I was supposed to know.

What did i do?

"Larrea, you know what i mean. You act distant, you barely want to hold my hand, you always say "you're fine" when i know you're not. Baby just talk to me." I continued to look at Nathan in shock a little and felt my cheeks flush pink as he called me "baby" while also putting his hand on mine.

I could tell Nathan was desperate for me to express my true feelings but I couldn't.

"Nathan I just..I.." I tried to get words out but they weren't coming out, I had absolutely nothing to say to him.

"Nevermind Larrea, you don't love me the way i love you. It actually..hurts..'' I heard Nathan's voice crack and he looked away from me as he tried to steady his breathing.

"Nathan I...I'm sorry I just-"

"I'm just going to drive you back home. Let's go." Nathan got up from the bench quickly and walked away from me towards the area where he parked his car in.

It felt like someone stabbed my heart then ripped it out so they could give it to zombies to demolish it. I sat there on the bench for a little but felt tears well up into my eyes. Soon enough, tears started to drip down my eyes but I quickly wiped them.

I walked towards Nathan's car and saw him on his phone while he wiped his eyes a little.

I never knew I could hurt Nathan this much, especially when I didn't know that he actually loved me.

I got into the car and we sat in silence a little.

I decided to touch his hand but he moved it away and put his hand on his steering wheel about to drive off. I leaned back and looked away out the window.

I hate myself.

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After Nathan dropped me back home i laid in my bed crying for a while.

I figured we just broke up without even properly saying it which hurts the most.

Nathan didnt even decide to speak to me for the whole ride but just kept his eyes away from mine and paying attention to other matters. Everytime i tried to start a conversation he would ignore me or just mumble "mhm" or "mm" under his breath.

I started to cry harder and gripped my pillow from the pain i was feeling deep in my heart.

I didnt mean to hurt him so badly.

I suddenly heard a door knock and then i noticed my father peeked in. "What happened butterfly?" He walked towards me and sat next to me on my bed.

"Dad, I hate my life. Why did I have to be born? Why am I like this? Why do I hurt people?" I looked at my father with sad desperate eyes and he sighed a little.

"Come here butterfly, let me tell you something." I crawled into my dads arms a little and he hugged me as i hugged him back still crying in his arms.

"Everyone isn't perfect. Your mother isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, and even Nathan isnt perfect butterfly. You're getting older Larrea with new challenges baby." My dad held my face gently and i started to cry more while looking at him.

"Look at me for an example , I make mistakes and I made mistakes. I regret everything, and if I could take it back I swear Larrea, I would. I would have wanted to be better to your mother and I would have wanted to not be a drunk knowing I have a little girl to take care of." I saw my dad well up in tears as he was speaking.

"I'm sorry Larrea. I love you."

My dad pulled me into a tight hug and i automatically hugged him tightly back.

We sat there for a little and for once and my life i felt truly happy. I never felt so much comfort in my life.

Ever since I was little my father was always barely there or drinking and for him to finally say sorry made me so happy.

He's changing for not only my mother but also for me.

Now thats love.

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