The Fate Joined Us Together

PART 9 :: INNER CONFLICTS

Rajesh's pov

It was a fine day. Everyone in our house is very busy. Usually our house looks less crowded even though almost 25 of us live here, because of the rooms and space we have. Our parents were smart enough to alter the house as the family grew bigger. But form the past week, our house is full of joy, laughter, tensions, happiness and ofc crowded. That's because, I'm getting married. I felt awkward when my uncle started this marriage topic. Especially when you have a elder brother. But when you know, his lifestyle has changed and has opposed to get married, you have no other go but to get married. At first everything went well, but when I faced my first rejection on my masterpiece (which has never happened before), I started to doubt myself. I thought I can manage the restaurant and my career well and after 2 years or so, I may get recognized and will reach high in this field which would in turn help me become a responsible man and would be able to take care of the girl who marries me and trusts me, without my family's help. But at this pace, I can never accomplish any of those anytime soon and how would I take care of that girl. She doesn't have to go to my parents for everything, She doesn't have to feel ashamed of me being her husband and she doesn't have to end up like me. She's 23, just few months younger than Swetha. Will I marry someone like me to Swetha? The one who manages a restaurant which is not even his property. The one who is an amateur? Won't I consider my sister's future and well being? and how could I do this to others? Every moment terrifies me. Every thought makes me feel like a worthless person. I thought of saying this to somebody in my family but I know they will motivate me to not think less of myself and eventually get me married. 

All my thoughts, my fears were never noted by anyone in the family as I usually like to be left alone but my brother who visits only 3 months once, caught me in the very first sight. When he asked me I lied to him because he already feels that he has burdened me with the restaurant's management but God! does he know that it was the only thing that keeps my father from dragging me to the farms. Though I did not like the fact that I lied to him, I had to. If I tell him the truth, he will let our parents know which will lead to my marriage and supervision. So my only choice is to get married and open myself up to the girl. I saw a picture of her, she looked simple and homely. Maybe she might understand my situation. As the days got nearer, I saw my family happy and they were celebrating. This will be the first Wedding after  Hari chinnanya's wedding which was 19 years back. So everyone one was very happy and all the relatives were at home.

I don't want to ruin their happiness. I joined them on wedding shopping and everything. Sometimes I excused myself by going to the restaurant. Mostly I would stay in my room saying that I was working on a painting or something like that. The more I spent time on my passion, the less I thought about my situation. In 3 days I will be a married man, who is responsible for my wife's well being.

Annaya is coming back from US tomorrow night and I don't know how but I suddenly was put into the same situation I was in a week before. Fear and shame surrounded me. Though I managed to push my thoughts aside and decided to get married, I felt like I was making a big mistake. My silence on this matter has led me to this situation. If I tell my family now, I don't know but even chinni will slap me. What do I do now? Should I call the bride and tell her? I never called her in these 3 months and even she didn't. Maybe she's also in the same situation? Maybe she could help both of us.. let me call her. No that will definitely kill me. It was almost midnight but I can't sleep. I am turning and tossing but sleep is far away from me. Suddenly a thought came to my mind and I immediately started executing it. I woke up, picked my trolly, put some of my clothes in and was about to get out of my room, but the bride's face came to my mind... Her devasted face came to me after she knew about my cowardness.. her family's situation, MY family's situation!! Everyone is sad because of me. That thought made me back up from the door. My room.. my heaven.. filled with my masterpieces.. seemed like hell to me today. I want to cry out loud but I can't. I sat down near my bed and cried very silently until I don't when but sleep consumed me.

I woke up on the floor near my trolly. All my yesterday's happenings came to my mind rushing. I know I am doomed. Tomorrow the bride's family will reach the venue and here I am having these thoughts. I looked up and prayed to God to take me up immediately. I prayed hard but nothing happened. So, I got up from my place, took a shower and went to the restaurant. I had an appointment at the men's saloon this evening. Who actually cares how I look?

I went to the restaurant and I can't focus on it anymore. Anita, my PA was handling all my work for the past 2 days. She only came to me when I had to sign something important. My brother trusts her, so she is not going to rob us. Poor girl she has to do this because of my current mental situation. I was beyond angry now. On myself. I can't even open up to my parents or even to my own brother, but I thought I could do this with my wife. How stupid of me. The worst thing in this world is realising all your thoughts, your imaginations would never ever happen in reality. It's just fantasy. You can happily cherish them in your mind like you do when you see a nice painting but you can never be in that picture in reality.

As these thoughts kept me thinking like a philosopher, the clock in my office dinged letting me know that it's 10 pm and I have missed my saloon appointment. I switched off my system and headed home in my second hand car, that I bought for myself. When I went home, my parents were waiting to give me a lecture for coming home late when I have my marriage day after tomorrow. They told me to take few days break as they knew Anita can handle without me. But being in my office at the restaurant helped me reduce my stress as no one disturbs me there. After hearing their lecture and my dad informing me that we have to visit the bride's family tomorrow morning, I went to my room as again fear filled me. My room is definitely haunted. I took a shower and changed into something comfortable and hit the bed. Few hours passed and I am still wide awake. My hand crept under the bed and found my trolly there. It is now or never. When I tried to pull my trolly out, a soft knock came from the door, which heard like a hammer to the rock to me and a soft but sterm voice calling my name. Annaya!! This time Chandhu and Sridhar went to pick up my brother. And he came straight to me. I had the urge to run and open the door to welcome him in but if I did that, I am sure he will find out what is happening inside that mind of mine. The door slowly opened and I shut my eyes to pretend like I was sleeping. He popped his head in and saw me sleeping and slowly closed the door and went away. After few minutes, I gathered my courage, took a canvas sheet and wrote everything that is happening inside my head and I addressed it to my Annaya. With that, I took my car keys, my trolly, my wallet and went out. I will be coming back after a few weeks, I cannot stay away from my family. I am sure after reading my letter, my brother will support me and my parents will forgive me and Sowriya will get a better man than me.