Pure Pain, Excruciating Love

Chapter 25

Everyone looked at me as if I've lost my mind. As if I've just confessed to committing a horrific, unforgivable crime. All eyes were on me, and that didn't help with the chaos taking place in my stomach as nerves bubbled everywhere inside me. The only thing holding me in place is Ashton's hand in mine. For a second I felt myself falling. Just for a second, his hand was limp as the words left my mouth. But just as I was ready to fall to the ground, Ashton's grip tightened again, his thumb stroking my skin in the softest touch. I inhaled a long, deep breath and looked back at Melissa.

"I'm not terminating the pregnancy. I'm keeping the baby," I said again, with a shaky breath. I saw how Melissa slowly nodded her head. "But I can't raise it."

It's as if you've just pricked a balloon with a needle and let all the air whoosh out. Carol breathed in as she clasped and unclasped her hands. Melissa straightened her posture as she nodded her head in understanding. And Ashton....well, he was still stroking my hand that was clasped in his, nothing changed in his posture. I was thankful for that.

"You want to put the baby up for adoption?" Melissa asked.

"Yes, I think that's best."

Carol looked at Melissa as they both shared a look.

"Okay. Well, in this case I'll just give you an adoption agency's contact information and from there you can work it out. Since you're early in your pregnancy, you might wait for just before the baby is born or if you'd prefer, you can start from now choosing the parents you prefer for the baby and the conditions of the adoption."

Melissa passed me a paper with some names and numbers. I thanked her and placed it in my pocket.

"I guess that's it then. Just make sure to take your vitamins and take care of yourself. If you need anything, I'm a call away," Melissa smiled.

Thanking her, I gave her a hug and then exited her office with Ashton still holding my hand and Carol in front of us.

"Hey," Ashton's voice snapped me from my thoughts. "You okay?"

I tilted my head to the side. My eyes met his, full of confusion and curiosity. I knew I wasn't helping him with being silent and distant. The moment Carol dropped us at his apartment, I headed straight to the bedroom and lied on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I was thankful that Ashton hadn't tried to talk to me at that moment. He just joined me on the bed, staring up at the dull ceiling as well. But after twenty or so minutes of just staring and quiet, I guess it was time we broke the silence.

"I'm fine. I just feel like all energy I had has been drained out of my body," I mumbled, rubbing my face with my hands.

I heard Ashton let out a low chuckle, then he heaved a long breath and sighed. Letting my hands drop from my face, I flipped over onto my side to fully face my tired-looking boyfriend.

"Sorry if that got awkward or hard for you. I know it sounded scary at first, like I was saying I'm going to keep the baby and raise it."

Ashton gave me a small smile, his fingers brushing away strands of my hair.

"I'm sorry if I scared you. I felt you tense. Whatever decision you make, I'll be by your side. I know there's no easing into this subject, so we just have to be there for one another."

Despite my tiredness and deflated mood, I found myself really smiling. The kind that blooms onto your face without you noticing how big and meaningful it really is until the person you're directing it to mirrors that same smile, making your insides mush into a mixture of nothingness. Not having any words to say to him, I leaned in and pressed a long, soft, full of every emotion kiss. Ashton sighed the moment I pulled back, his hands wrapped around my waist to pull me closer to him.