Walls Of Hearts

Chapter 116

Despite admiring the chaos that morning brought as people spilled on the roads for their own purposes, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of envy as I yearned for the ability to embrace productivity in the same away again. After the miscarriage, even the simplest tasks became arduous as I found myself disinterested in everything around me. The various turns and potential turns that my life took, like a plot twist in a fictional story haunted me. Casting over me a shadow of doubt and fear alike every step I strayed away from the confines of our equally daunting, yet confusingly safe haven, home.

In those moments, I deeply desired for at least the false sense of normalcy that I lived and hated. I would take that over this any day. The days filled with mundane routines and everyday challenges suddenly seemed appealing, for they represented a life untouched by the agonisingly, heart-rending grief I now carried like a rain cloud. Like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh, I carried the burden of gray clouds wherever I went, inadvertently sucking and tainting the vibrant hues of life for both myself and those around me, whilst all they attempted was to include me. I wished I could return to that other version of myself, the one oblivious to the fragility of existence, unaware of the depths of despair that can shatter one's world. While the pain of losing Jessica had already left its mark, it felt like an additional blow, and I couldn't help but shoulder the blame. Oh, how I craved the weight of stress and responsibility, failing to recognise the blessings within those demanding experiences, no matter how overwhelming they seemed.

As Harry's hand tenderly caressed my leg, it served as a gentle interruption to the whirlwind of thoughts consuming my mind. His touch acted as a lifeline, pulling me back to the present moment, and I couldn't help but find solace in his presence. Dad's question, which had slipped past me unnoticed, was echoed by Harry, his voice carrying the weight of both their words.

My gaze would often wander towards Harry throughout the drive, captivated by the way he focused on the road. Even amidst the conversations and occasional teasing from Mum and Dad, I found myself stealing glances at him, cherishing his presence and the comfort it brought me. In the comfort of his presence, the mere knowledge that he was by my side was enough to quiet the turbulent storm within my mind. It was a source of frustration as the last few weeks made me aware of how much I relied on him. Yet, intertwined with that dependency was a profound sense of trust that surpassed my wildest expectations. I never thought I would find myself placing such unwavering faith in another person, but with Harry, it came naturally and effortlessly. And with that, came fear too.

Harry's lips silently formed the words, "You alright?" as he glanced at me, his angelic nature shining through his concern. I managed a nod in response, even though the word "alright" fell far short of capturing the tumultuous mix of emotions swirling within me. I secretly hoped that his question was merely prompted by my lingering gaze upon him and not a glimpse into the depths of my inner turmoil that he could effortlessly perceive.

His mouth curved into a small smile as I nodded in response to his silent question, but I knew he could see through me. Even if his original question came from being aware of my stare on him, a teasing tone to it, my answer prompted another question. "You sure?" he mouthed again, and this time, I shrugged my shoulders, unable and unwilling to detangle the venomous thoughts clouding my mind. At least it wasn't a complete lie, right? I felt better than I have lately and that mattered

 But Harry, with his innate understanding, could discern the traces of melancholy in my eyes. He took one hand off the steering wheel and placed it on my thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze before refocusing on the road. I found myself staring at him, admiring the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled and the way his hair was sleeked back into the bun I taught him to do months ago.

As we drove, light-hearted conversation filled the air as we reminisced some of the sweeter memories during their stay. But all good things must come to an end, and as we pulled into the airport parking lot, a sense of sadness washed over me. It was time to say goodbye, and I wasn't ready. We hugged Mum and Dad tightly, tears streaming down our faces as we said our goodbyes. It was always hard saying goodbye to family, but this time it felt especially difficult.