Home Is Where the Heart Is (Brittana)

Chapter 40

Brittany's POV

Close to the end of March, it was time to try to get pregnant again. I couldn't wait until the trying part was no longer routine, and we'd have different reasons to have such frequent appointments. I tried to have hope that things would work out this time, but it was hard when Santana was so tense.

Santana hardly even reacted during the procedure, but I still held her hand the whole time just in case.

During our two-week-wait, both of us were stressed, but I tried my best to put on a brave face for Everly and my dance classes. Santana worked a lot during those weeks, especially since a lot of her patients were getting close to their due dates. I knew she wouldn't say it, but it was getting harder for her to be around so many pregnancies all day at work.

When the tests came back negative, I tried to hold back my tears. Santana didn't even want me to hug her.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'll be fine," she replied sharply. She slept on the couch that night.

---

The next morning, I woke up early, struggling to feel comfortable without Santana asleep beside me. I made my way to the living room where she was tossing and turning on the couch.

"Come to bed, Santana," I whispered, knowing she didn't toss and turn like that when she was actually sleeping.

She sat up but didn't say anything.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked, sitting on the couch beside her.

"I'm fine! Can you please stop asking me that?" she replied harshly.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop. But I'm only asking you because I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately. Do you think... maybe... we should take a bit of a break?"

"No! We are not taking a break. I'm going to get pregnant, but if we stop trying, it's not going to happen." Her voice was raised, and her tone rude.

"I know you're hurt Santana," I said. "It's okay to be upset."

"Of course I'm upset. We've tried... I can't even remember how many times, and I'm still not pregnant!"

"It's not your fault. We can keep trying as long as you want, but just know that the doctor said we should start discussing other options, just in case."

"We don't need a 'just in case.' If I'm not pregnant by summer, I'll maybe consider it, but we have to keep trying. I have to prove that I can do this."

Not wanting to argue with Santana's logic that her getting pregnant, at least to some degree, determined her worth, I hugged her instead. "I know that this is hard, but it will be okay. Now, please come to bed; I know you're tired."

"Okay," she agreed.

---

A Glee reunion was planned for the middle of April (no one really knew why, but it was when the most people could make it), so we made our way to Lima. We met up with Rachel and Finn and their kids beforehand, and they gave us the news that they were expecting their third child.

"Congratulations," Santana said, and while I knew she meant it, I also knew it was hard for her to hear.

When we arrived at the reunion, we saw that Sam, his wife, and their two month old daughter were there, as well as Mike and Tina with their two boys (the youngest being six months, meaning their kids had a big age gap. I wondered if I could talk to them about if they had struggles with getting pregnant but decided against it). Mercedes was also there, and Quinn with Hazel.

It was nice to see everyone, especially since the number of kids there had grown since the last time and there was a lot to talk about. I also enjoyed watching the kids playing together and getting the chance to meet the two youngest Glee children.

Santana didn't say much, but I did see her talking with Rachel intently for a while, which was a good thing. I knew Rachel had had issues with pregnancy in the past, and it was important for her to talk with people who had more of an understanding about what she was going through.

Mike and Tina came by with their six month old, Maverick, and I happily took him into my arms.

My vision started to blur as I thought about just how much I wanted to be able to pass around another baby that was mine and how much I wanted to do everything with a new baby.

"Are you okay, Britt?" Mike asked.

I shrugged. "He just reminds me of how much I want another baby. Santana and I have been trying for a while."

"I definitely get that," Mike replied. "We tried for a long time to have Maverick. I'm sure everything will work out for you two soon."

"Thank you," I said, handing Maverick back to him.

---

The rest of the month went by quite quickly. Soon, it was time to head back to the doctor to try to get pregnant again. I was starting to feel dread leading up to those appointments, which wasn't something I wanted trying to get pregnant to feel like, but it was hard to feel positive after so many negatives.

The appointment went well, and we spent the rest of the day relaxing on the couch with Everly watching TV.

---

Once Santana was back at work, Everly and I got back into our routine of spending the afternoons outside together now that it was much warmer out. Max joined us on the days when we stayed in the backyard, still as mischievous as ever at nearly two years old.

I tried my best not to smother Santana, despite how much I wanted to take care of her. All I could do was hope and pray that we'd get pregnant soon and could stop this cycle of stress and waiting for results.