Seoul nights • Woosan

Thirty-two.

Lost. That's how I felt. A sense of loss like I've never experienced before. I felt like I had lost something important, a part of me and I couldn't find it, I couldn't have it back.

But no matter how lost I was, I wasn't going back to Wooyoung. I knew that if I had he would come back to me, he would have forgiven me, and I didn't want it. He was better without me. He could start a new life. He could be happy. He deserved so much more than being my lover. 

Lisa and I got married in spring and even if the wedding day should be the happiest for groom and bride I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong. Everything felt like a terrible lie. That day I looked at my mother while I was standing at the altar: she made eye contact with me and just nodded. Her eyes were full of happiness and pride, maybe relief too. Then Lisa arrived and she was stunning. She was already very beautiful but in that white dress, with her hair gathered in golden trinket falling to her forehead she looked almost like a goddess. 

I was getting married for the first time but it was nothing new to me: even if Wooyoung and I werent' married I had already lived it all. Living together, the little everyday argument, going back to a place that you could call home just because somebody was there waiting for you... I already had it all but was too stupid to see it. 

After couple of weeks Lisa told me that she wanted to quit her job as Davis' assintant and asked me to hire her in my company, I didn't like the idea but I couldn't really refuse, she was good and I had no reasons to say no except for my own feelings. That's how I slowly started to really know her. And god, she was demanding! She had a say on everything: food, drinks, house forniture, the way I dressed. Not even the toilet paper brand we used could escape her fussiness. She really cared about the way she looked too: hairsaloons, beautician, consultations for cosmetic surgery, they became an everyday routine in which she spent tones of money. But as long as she was happy I was okay, she didn't have reasons to complain so I could live in peace.

Times passed and I felt like my life was going on but I couldn't keep up with it. I missed Wooyoung every day. It didn't matter if months had already passed, we never searched for each other as we promised, but I couldn't help but think about him, about us. I never called him, but everytime the phone rang I was just unconsciously hoping that it was him.

I tried my best to not think about him, about what we had, but everytime I was with Lisa, everytime we tried to make love, I couldn't help but remember the way Wooyoung made me feel. Those feelings were long lost. With Lisa I couldn't get hard, I managed only if I thought about Wooyoung, about his tanned skin, about his legs, about his mouth and those plump lips closed around my cock, about the tiny whimpers that he was making everytime I touched him. But it was never enough. Lisa wasn't Wooyoung and my body could feel it. 

Sometimes I dreamed about him. One night it was so vivid that I woke up in the middle of the night saying his name. I immediately turned to look at Lisa, worried that she heard me, but her eyes were still closed, she was sleeping soundly. I breathed a sigh of relief and that's when I realized that I had another little problem: I came in my briefs. It never happened before and I felt completely ashemed but relieved that Lisa was still sleeping and didn't notice.

As I said Lisa was very demanding and one day she woke up with the idea to completly change the office design. She wanted to make it more appealing for our clients. I was about to refuse when she said that she had the perfect design company for the job. My jaw dropped when I heard the name: it was the company Wooyoung worked for. I told her that I would organize a meeting with them and I immediately called them.

My heart was racing as the phone started ringing. A female voice answered the call. I settled an appointement for the day after, my voice was shaking and at the end of the call I couldn't help but ask: "Is Jung Wooyoung still working there?"