Seoul nights • Woosan

Thirty-one.

"I don't know what to do with you San-ah!" 

My mother didn't even give me the time to close the door that she was already yelling at me. I bowed my head too ashamed to say anything.

"You found a good girl, what else could you even want?" 

I heard her walk to the chaise long, she sat down sighing dramatically.

"So many people saw you crying after that boy. You were doing so good. Everybody was talking about Lisa and you, about your soon to be wedding. You couldn't resist and had to ruin everything, uh? Is that boy worth it? Do you really want to risk your reputation, your father's company, over this little fling?"

"He's not a fling, omma! I really care for him, he makes me..."

"I haven't finished!" she yelled, her voice cracking as she started sobbing hiding her face behind a tissue.

I was feeling really bad, I didn't know what to say.

"Since I knew I was pregnant I did all I could to protect you from this world. When you first started school if somebody tried to bully you I would be so angry that I would have fought your teachers too just to know that you were safe and happy. When you grew up you became every day better, at school, but also as a person, you father and I were so proud..." tears choked her words.

"We were so happy to see you studying, starting your own business and then taking over your father's company. You always had a great enthusiasm. You were born to be a leader, San-ah! You inspire confidence. You almost got to the top: starting this huge commerce with New York, becoming a teacher! You had it all, but now this Wooyoung is dragging you down. You're not like him, he's throwing dust in your eyes, this isn't love!"

I raised my head trying to understand what she was saying. I was sure I was feeling something, what else could it be? That was love. I knew it because I never felt that way around anybody else. When I was with Wooyoung I was feeling completly lost. Lost in something that I couldn't understand, that scared me but also made me feel so good that it was too much to describe.

"How do you feel when someone you care about suffers?" my mother asked me after a while.

I didn't answer trying to understand if she was referring to somebody in particular.

"Do you know how bad I feel when I hear people talking shit about you and I can't do a fucking thing to protect you?" 

Hearing my mother swear surprised me a lot. She never did before. She must have been really troubled for me and it made me feel even more guilty.

"I'm not your enemy San-ah. I'm your mother and I love you more than anybody else, all the things I do and say are for you to be happy. There's nothing more that I want than you to be happy in this life"

She stood up and walked close to me. I almost startled when I felt her arms hugging me. She was so small compared to my size and seeing her in that state made her look even smaller and vulnerable. I hugged her back and when she felt my hands on her shoulders she spoke again, her voice was almost a whisper.

"Don't do it for me or for Lisa, do it for yourself. You're better without him" she paused "And he will be better too"

And I knew she was right. For the first time since Wooyoung and I had started our relationship I thought about his feelings. Since I became part of his life what good did I do to him? I thought about our happy moments: sure, we were the happiest but how long did they last before a new tragedy took us apart? Were they enough to forget all the pain?

He will be better without me. He will find some one else, some one that can be good to him, love him more than I do. I owe him that much.

I kept repeating those words to myself while I drove to the Scandinavian house. I had a night to sleep on the thousand thoughts that invaded my mind and when the morning after I woke up still feeling the same, sadder but as much convinced as the day before, I knew it was the right thing to do. For the both of us.