𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒 𝐒.𝐉 & 𝐍.𝐑 ✔️

Staring at the ceiling - Natasha X daughter

Tw: throwing up, "force feeding", talk of death.

Don't think too much of this, I'm just incredibly tired and bored.

It's 2 am, music is blaring through my ears and the fruit smelling chemicals escape from my mouth every 20 seconds. It's gotta be coating my room by now, and the moment I, or somebody else opens my door it's going to flow out, like a car window opening under water.

Every time I blow out I can feel my body become number, and the nausea fills my body every time I breathe in. The addiction I've had to do this every night for the last I don't know how long makes me sick, but it's better than the alternative.

The nausea now slowly taking over, taking over my empty stomach, taking over my already clouded brain, taking over the numb feeling, taking over every thought until I rush to my bathroom to act on it, to act on throwing up the contents that aren't in my body, so only fluid is hitting the water at the bottom of the toilet.

The sound of me throwing up probably woke up my mom, as I can feel her hand in my hair, and the other on my back. She helps me back into bed and leaves without a word.

It's the same when we are sitting at the breakfast table the next morning, no words other than the usual 'good mornings' are being exchanged, not even when the only thing I'm doing with the food on my plate is poking around at it, until I get up to throw it out.

No words are being exchanged till at dinner time, where I'm still just poking around and the food in front of me. She tells me, "I'm worried about you," and I can't say anything to her, I only give her a little shrug and that's it.

When she eventually leaves the table, and walks back upstairs, I empty my plate into the trashcan and make sure to go out with it, so even though she's already aware of what I'm doing, it isn't too obvious.

At midnight I go back to bed and it's the same routine, it goes on for at least a week, until I pass out in the middle of training and one of the trainers has to carry me to the med bay, that's when the doctor finally tells her that something is seriously wrong.

Both my heart and lungs are working overtime, and my stomach isn't getting enough food, which means my body isn't getting enough energy, which means my heart is working too much which caused me to pass out. Or at least that's what he told my mom when she asked him.

What he really means is that I have had palpitations for quite some time, and that it has developed into cardiac arrhythmia, which means that I could go into cardiac arrest and die if I keep going like I am. Which is exactly what he said.

"Your BMI and weight is dangerously low, and you need to eat, so a nurse is going to come in here and put a tube into your nose and down to your stomach. This tube is also called an NG tube, and gives you the nutrients that you need,"

When the doctor left the room and a nurse entered the room, my mom sat down next to me and held onto my hand as said nurse put a tube into my nose and down to my stomach. I resisted, and started crying to my mom, I said something to her that made her chocked, and I don't remember exactly what I said.

When my mom left, and I was left alone I pulled it out, and the liquid in the tube poured onto my hospital gown, until I dropped it on the floor and it formed a small puddle.

Without my usual routine I couldn't sleep, so I just stared up at the white ceiling till my mom came back and saw the mess I had made. She ran out into the hallway and two nurses came back in.

They replaced the tube, and as they put it down through my throat I didn't resist, I just laid there, thinking.

A tear rolled down my cheek and I didn't have the energy to wipe it off, I didn't have the energy to do anything when my mom finally sat back down.

"The doctor told me that I need to sleep here tonight, and;"

"Do you have my headphones?" I mumble and look up at her.

Her hands ruffle through her bag and she pulls out both my phone and headphones. I put my music on and ignore her as she continues talking.

After about 30 minutes she grows angry with me, either for ignoring her, or not saying anything. So she pulls my headphones out and grab my chin to force me to look at her.

"You could have died Y/n, you understand that right? You could have died!" She yells and blink away a tear.

I swallow the lump in my throat and look at the door in the corner. "You should've let me," I look back up at the ceiling, and wait for her response, but there isn't any. She's not capable of finding the words.

"I love you," she mumbles in an attempt to convince me to shine a little light on the situation but there isn't any, there is no light, the only light is the small one on my heart monitor, and the small light coming from the hallway, and there was the small light in her eyes, that died, the moment I made my statement. She should've let me.

Idk hat this is. Don't think too much of it.

Goodnight!