Time Heals

Chapter 19

A/N - going back to before Zara cut herself...still graphic and could be upsetting

Zara

The world returned to normal around me. Everyone acted as though I'd never stabbed a man. I hadn't committed a crime and a crime as serious as murder. But I knew I had and my actions kept playing over and over in my mind like a horror video stuck on repeat. His face. His words.

The shock and admiration in his eyes as the life seeped out of him.
Beaten by a girl
But I hadn't wanted to kill him! To actually take someone's life from them, no matter whom it was. I fucking murdered someone and I'm walking free like a hero.
I should have been punished for my criminal actions but instead everyone just said thank you or gave me their pity.
The guilt weighed me down with every step I took and I found it increasingly hard to cope.
None of this was right. My eyes wonder to the people around me.

Alex who I, for some reason, had let back into my life. He was becoming thick friends with Tom and even Nathan was starting to warm to him.

Tom was smiling at the lunch table but not even his cheery comments could bring a smile to my face.

The other person at the table was the person I felt closest too. The guy who's face was still covered in lightly fading bruising. Nathan. I'd dragged him into my life and got him seriously hurt in the process. It hadn't been fair on him to force my friendship and problems onto him.

The thoughts whizzing through my brain made no sense to me. I felt like I was in a daze. There was one thing I knew though; without me, everyone's lives would be a whole lot simpler.

If only I had my dad to talk too to help me make sense of my increasingly darkening thoughts.
This morning, before I left to go to school I'd taken a sharp knife from the kitchen and hid it in my bag. In reality I wasn't paying much attention to my actions when I did it. Today was almost a dream for me. Or a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
The guys were all talking around me but after a while the conversation sort of died. I knew it was my dark mood which was causing this awkwardness in the group which only fed my guilt at the stress I forced upon them unintentionally. This was my chance to free the others from my toxic life.
"I need the loo." I said suddenly, my voice feeling alien to me as I hastily stand and stride away, leaving the three guys a little confused.
No one stopped me as I walked towards the girls' bathrooms but then no one knew my aim. If they did, I doubt I'd have even got out of the canteen. Nathan would have seen to that but he didn't understand. He didn't realise that me being alive was only making him and everyone around me unhappy.

This unhappiness had to stop.

It felt like I was in a trance. Everything around me moved in slow motion.
Maybe this way, I could finally be with Dad again.
No long now, I thought as the bathroom door came into view.
This was the right thing to do, I deserved to punish myself.
I pushed the door to the bathroom open just as another girl came. Holding it open for her, I let her walk out and she muttered a thank you. She's soon gone leaving me alone in the toilets.
Walking along the tiled floor to the furthest toilet cubicle from the door, I studied myself critically in the dirty mirror. I never liked my angular face, or my thin lips. Dislike spread through me when I saw my almost flat chest and I had to look away.
I was disgusting. A parasite.
The end bathroom was free so I pushed the flimsy door open with my pale hands, watching it intently as it squeaked open and revealed a toilet with no seat. Typical school toilet.

Walking slowly inside I make sure to lock the door behind me.
I sat down cross-legged on the cold, dirty floor doing nothing other than staring at my clammy palms.
After I'd calmed my manic mind down ever so slightly and stopped over thinking everything, I zipped open my bag and retrieved the knife. Simply by looking at it I could tell it was extremely sharp. It could do a hell of a lot of damage.
With the right force I could easily do the same damage to myself as I did to Nathans Dad.
I pressed the cold blade onto my skin and paused, knowing that there was no going back once I'd started.

I thought about what would be different if the train had hit me. If Alex hadn't been there.
Matthew wouldn't be dead, Nathan would be moving on with his life and no one would be hurting.
The hurt and guilt I felt inside was unreal; I needed to balance it with physical pain.
I pulled the blade swiftly downwards and sliced through my skin, gasping as sweet pain flew up my arm.
Who knew pain could be so rewarding? It distanced me from the mental pain I was feeling, bringing me safely back down to earth.
I stared intently as the cut began to drip blood. It wasn't that deep, I knew I could go deeper. I had to go deeper.
Repeating the action with the knife, this time I was firmer and it sliced much deeper, causing a much sharper pain.
Managing to keep myself from crying out, I breathed in sharply, finding it strangely addictive and calming.
I needed to feel that again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

By now, blood was pouring freely out of my arm. Without warning I felt myself becoming a bit woozy.
Maybe I should run it under the tap, I thought vaguely and I fumbled with the lock on the door, managing to get it open but dropping the knife in the process.

Almost falling, I stumbled to the sink, the world spinning uncontrollably around me.
"Zara?" A voice came from the entrance to the bathroom and I turned to see Hope staring at me, eyes wide in shock.
That was when my eyes rolled back into my head and I lost conscious just before my body hit the floor.

~~~

"Zara open your eyes for me..." I heard Nathans voice in the back of my mind and for some reason I felt drawn to it. The boy who had been nothing but kind to me ever since he met me.
Something was pressing down really hard on my arm and something told me it was Nathan.
Why was he doing that?
Let me go, I thought, just let me go.
My eyes fluttered open slightly and Nathans face stared back at me. The desperation in his eyes filled my weakened body with regret. I'd caused so much pain to him. He didn't deserve any of what I'd put him through.
"I'm sorry Nate." I managed to say before the light disappeared and I lost all knowledge of what was going on.