Rose #9//Lil Peep

#61: Without Gus

"Gus."

Inching forward as the car in front of me also moves forward, I tap his shoulder.

"Gus."

Still, there's no answer.

"Gus."

Finally he turns over in his sleep and within a few seconds his cheek is pressed against my outstretched arm with his arms wrapped around them.

"Gus! I have to get to my school! Come on!"

Really, I'm tugging but not too hard.

We're further up in the line, closer to the front doors of the school. My eyes are dead set on the those walking by—

"Let's skip— I don't wanna be here." He groans— his eyes close, placing a kiss on my arm, "Please."

This is the part where I should get out and drag him out like my mom did on my first day of school— humiliating him but I could never see myself doing that.

Within all that thinking, the vehicle behind me honks. My reaction is somewhat slow but once I react, we're out the line of cars and slowly making way to the gated exit.

It's nearly twenty minutes until the bell rings at my school and I'm aimlessly driving off his campus with my arm being held my him. I've concluded again that no one can control me— not like Gus did.

"Where are we going?" I ask him, taking a four second stop.

"Wherever the wind takes us."

Immediately, I roll my eyes— taking a right.

"Gus, I can't drive with my arm—

I pull and pull, "with my arm—

He finally releases and turns away again. Within all that driving I also concluded that being at our playground wouldn't hurt a soul. Or could it?

Especially mine— that's when my mind started to wander. After I parked under a tree and I levered my seat down, I turned onto my side and faced him.

I focused on the curve of his ear as the sunlight lifted higher and higher. The birds are chirping and the world is still— maybe it's just me but I could hear that night we ran across the field to the playground.

The life I feel when I'm with him. I wonder if he feels it too? That I can't ask or want to know but I knew I could ask something else. Something I've wondered for awhile.

"Gus." I whisper again, "Gus."

With a reach over, I slowly turn him over and he turns more, tucking his hands under his cheek, facing me.

"Gus."

"Yeah?"

"Open your eyes— I wanna ask you something?"

"Just ask me."

"No, open your eyes."

He gradually gives in, rubbing his hand into his eye sockets then slowly opened, adjusting to the light absorbing us. Once he's awake, he reaches over, pulling my leg over the middle part of my car to his waist.

His thumb caresses my calf, "What?"

Without any sort of fear or second thought, I reached my hand over and cupped the side of his neck.

Green and brown, our eyes made a nice forest.

"Do you still want to be a singer?"

And I knew well enough it wasn't my face that caused his eyes to dilate in that moment.

"You remember?"

My teeth showing, I reply lightly.

"Yeah— of course."

Before anything else— he leaned in and kissed me. To pull him in, that's what I did— slipping my tongue in. Trying to mimicked how he did it earlier and in turn, he pulls on my leg— yanking me to his side of the car.

The last part isn't how it actually went— rather he leaned in and I inched back, my spine touching the door frame. But this is what I imagine— especially now. All the things I should've done different plays out in my head. How could I make him feel unwanted? Or did he know I was insecure— even now more than ever.

I stare out to playground and to the empty passenger seat— it burns right through and I start crying again. The pain is so welcoming and my head is still throbbing from all the cry I did last night.

The leaves race across the field and the morning sun is where it was that day Gus and I skipped school. If I could stay here forever— I would.

Feeling the warm as I did— and the laugh Gus made when he locked the door as I tried opening it. To leave him how could I ever? But even if I did, he would've followed.

Now I'm entirely alone and no one can help me. Buying another bundle of flowers is all I can do— my mom said orchids this time.

My life hadn't changed— but his did. Stages, light, and people— I try to imagine it all as I stand in line, hearing the scanner.

Then it's my turn and I've been meaning to ask, "How do I—

I stumbled on my words, nervous and lost in a world without Gus.

"How do I apply for a job here?"

The cashier's eyes are a pretty blue.

🐥