Without Him

XXXVII

Fucking idiot, that's what I am.

Don't get me wrong I'm glad Athena is okay, perfect even, I just can't help think that this is all my fault.

We've been together for a year practically and I'm even thinking about ruining it all.

I know what this will cause. I know the consequences. I fucking know everything but yet my dumbass wants to jeopardize it all. And for what? I wouldn't know.

She will blame me for not loving her at all. That's not the case. I fucking love her, but seeing her in the coma for months made me realize that she can do better than me, she should do better than me.

I'm nothing more than a man who is approaching their 40's with baggage and a girlfriend who isn't even close to 30 yet. Fuck. Do you know how painful this is.

We've always had our good times and bad but we overcame them, we came up on top. Yet, this thing that I don't even know why I'm questioning I can't seem to get it out my head.

Fleeing and leaving everything behind seems like a good thing I should do but can I.

Athena will always have my heart, will always be apart of my life somehow but, this feeling— fuck, life can throw all kinds of curveballs and I'm here deciding what I should do.

People say if I really love her I wouldn't do this. But I love her too much to let her think that it's her fault when it's solely mine and mine only.

All these thoughts swirling around in my head, it breaks my heart that I'm doing this.

She's gonna hate me, I already know but it has to be that way, she deserves more than I can provide her.

Athena will always be in my heart, but maybe just maybe it's time to let her go, or let her know she deserves someone better than me. And for the hell of it, someone who can love her properly and not be such a fuck up.

I love her with everything in me but sometimes I think that isn't enough.

Like I'm not enough for her!
______________

I'm currently being discharged from the hospital, after waking up and being in here for about a week, just to make sure. Checking for anything that could've gone wrong.

I'm glad I'm getting out of here, back to my normal life. Back to my man.

God, Kyle is phenomenal. He's just made for me.

I get it, Kyle is 37 and I'm 24. Our age difference is up there but it shouldn't be something that we have to watch out for.

We are both consenting adults who knows right from wrong. There's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I do get jealous when people call him a dilf, I mean he looks outstanding for his age not like he's approaching 40.

And the sex is fucking amazing, he still has stamina like a mother fucking horse.

He's just everything and above. I need to marry him asap.

I'm heading home and I get a call from Kyle.

Since my phone is connected to my Bluetooth I answered.

"Hey babe." I said cheerfully.

"Hey, listen can we talk when you get home?" He asks. My heart starts racing because what the fuck is gonna happen.

"Yea I'm on my way now."

"Okay, see you soon. I love you." I smile.

"I love you." He hangs up and it connects back to the music.