𝙁𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧

36

✮*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✧*˚　　˚*✧˚*•̩̩͙✧•̩̩͙*˚✮

About half way through the movie I tell River I'm going to the restroom and head upstairs. I didn't lie when I said that because I am going the restroom, I didn't say I was using it.

I walk into my room first and grab what I need before making my way to the restroom and shut and lock the door behind me.

I know it's bad and I know I shouldn't do it. I can't do it.

But I need to do it.

It's like an itch inside my body that if I don't do it, it physically hurts. I open the bag and take one singular pill out.

Twisting and turning it in between my fingers, I am having a fight with myself internally.

Don't do it.

But it helps.

It doesn't help.

It helps me not feel anything.

Saying fuck all to everything, I toss the pill in my mouth and swallow it.

Realizing in that moment that this one incident has doomed me for the rest of time. Coming to terms with what I just did, I leave the restroom and take the bag back to my room before heading back downstairs.

I sit back in my seat next to River and throw the blanket back over me. He turns to look at me but I don't look at him.

Looking at him after doing what I just did will make me want to cry and I don't want to cry.

Why am I this way?

Why couldn't I be somebody different? Why couldn't the cards I've been dealt been better?

Just why?

"Vee," River shakes me. I hum and glance at him.

"Are you okay?" Concern laces his voice and I nod, the truth ready to escape if I open my mouth.

I don't know what I did for him to come into my life but I definitely don't deserve it.

He doesn't say anything more as he rests his head on my shoulder. Even though we slept all morning I know he's tired, I am too.

"Do you want to go back upstairs?" I whisper in his ear.

"Please."

I sit up and he follows, grabbing the blanket and telling them we will be upstairs if they need anything.

We make our way up the stairs and he shuts the door behind us as I hop into bed and get under the covers, him right behind me.

This time he's big spoon and I'm little spoon even though I like to be big spoon and bear hug him but if I'm small spoon I don't have to face him.

I don't want to face him.

He makes sure the blanket is covering us before he wraps himself around me and I don't know what comes over me.

Tears start rolling down my face, the blanket soaking them in and I'm scared to do anything because he'll know I'm crying.

But somehow doing nothing had caused him to notice. "Why are you so stiff?" He asks me quietly.

I hum in response because if I talk it will give it away. I hear the blankets rustling and movement before his face comes into my vision, a frown etched onto it.

"Baby, why are you crying?" He turns me over to face him and I close my eyes. I bite my lip to keep it from quivering and I take a deep breath.

"I'm scared," I whisper.

"Why are you scared?"

I open my eyes and look at his when I talk, "Because, I did it again and I know it's wrong and I know it's bad but there's this feeling inside of me that craves it and I don't wanna go back to the way that I was. Please. Don't let me go back there."

How cruel of me to place a heavy responsibility that's not even his on him.

What is wrong with me?

"Hey," he wipes my tears, "you are a struggling recovering addict. There are going to be setbacks. You are going to cave and you are going to relapse, that doesn't mean that I'm going to love you any less. I'm here for you, let me be here for you and you don't have to be the way that you were."

Love?

That doesn't mean that I'm going to love you any less.

He must have realized what he said because his eyes widen for a split moment before a tear slips down his cheek.

"I meant it."

I cup his cheeks give him a slow and soft kiss, whispering against his lips as I pull away, "I love you, and I don't think that's even enough to describe the way that I feel for you."

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A/n:

Uhhh! Hey! It's been like what? Almost two years.

Anyways the L bomb??? No way.

I also didn't reread , hope this makes sense lol