"When did you know you liked-... How did you-..." Karl started, making Sapnap open his eyes from his near sleep. "Am I the first guy you've had feelings for?" Karl finally settled on. Sapnap could tell by his restless tone that Karl was still unsatisfied with how his question came out.
"No, you're not the first." Sapnap said slowly. He was expecting this to provide comfort to Karl, seeing that it seemed like Karl was feeling some sort of responsibility for Sapnap's 'gay awakening'. Instead, Karl remained in tense silence.
"Have you ever even... been with a guy before?" Karl asked, his face staying painfully still, staring up at Sapnap's slow moving ceiling fan.
"Not officially." Sapnap admitted, rolling to lay on his back and watching the fan spin lazily with Karl. "But I've known I was gay since I was 12, it's not something I've questioned in a long time." Sapnap continued.
This seemed to catch Karl's attention, pulling his eyes away from the ceiling until he was fully looking at Sapnap.
"You're gay?" Karl asked, in complete shock. For some reason, Sapnap didn't feel as comforted by Karl's disbelief as he had Andrew's.
"What gave it away? The part where I kissed you or-"
"All this time- all the girls you've been with- it didn't mean anything to you?" Karl pushed the conversation in a direction Sapnap was really hoping he could avoid- at least for tonight. All Karl's tiredness seemed to have dissipated, as he propped himself up on his elbow, staring down at Sapnap.
"I wouldn't say it meant nothing. I enjoyed getting to know them, but I just never thought about them the way I knew they thought about me." Sapnap looked over to Karl, not feeling the same burst of energy Karl seemed to have.
"Well, if it didn't mean nothing, then that means it had to have meant something, right? Yeah, maybe, I don't know, you're not-"
"Are you trying to imply because I forced myself to date girls so I wouldn't get outted and harassed- or worse, that means maybe I'm not gay?" Sapnap leaned away from Karl, finding himself to be more offended by the assumption than he expected to be. It would be one thing if his dad reacted this way, but Karl?
"No- I mean... Sorry, I guess this isn't really about you." Karl spoke quietly, fully sitting up and respecting the space Sapnap created between them.
"What do you mean this isn't about me?" Sapnap asked, sitting up in the bed as well. Karl had kept his face down, one hand hanging onto a fistful of his hair. "Karl, if you're not talking about me, are you talking about yourself?" Sapnap asked, reaching over and gently pulling Karl's hand out of his hair.
"It's normal to feel... excited... to see your friends, regardless of gender." Karl said as if he was trying to get Sapnap's approval.
"Yeah?" Sapnap answered, leaning away from Karl to rest his back against the headboard.
"Yeah... It's normal when sometimes, certain friends hold your hand or put an arm around your waist, and you get that fluttering feeling in your stomach... regardless of gender." Karl paused, looking over to Sapnap. Based on Sapnap's confused facial expression, Karl felt the need to clarify. "Because you're just excited to spend time with them- because they're your friend." Karl was nodding, hoping that Sapnap would agree.
"Okay?" Sapnap said slowly, unable to hide his puzzled expression.
"Yeah, okay. And getting a little- well, angry can't be the right word, but- you know, when a friend you really like spending time with starts dating someone and suddenly they're not holding your hand or laying in bed with you anymore. It's normal to feel upset by that, anyone would be." Karl justified, again looking to Sapnap for approval.
YOU ARE READING
Because You Are Love (Karlnap)
同人小說Sapnap grew up in Texas, a state where being gay just wasn't something you were allowed to talk about- so he didn't. He never came out to his family and even when he made new friends who loved him unconditionally, he still couldn't bring himself to...
