Because You Are Love (Karlnap)

Chapter 11 - To cure it of sorrow would destroy it

Fresh country air, the familiar squeak of the porch swing rocking in the breeze, and something Sapnap never thought he would experience in Texas- holding Karl to his chest.

Sapnap wasn't even sure how long the hug had gone on for. It had been a while since he and Karl had seen each other, it being over a month since they both visited George in the UK. Being around their other friends always puts a slight buffer between them. They would still hug and do all the things they normally would, there was always just this unspoken hesitancy accompanied with it.

It had been so long since it was just the two of them. The way they were clinging to each other was a clear indication that as much as they both love their friends, they missed being able to hug like this.

The hug where you start to sway and lose your balance from how long you've been entangled with another person. The hug where you don't even realize their arms have started to loosen around you until they squeeze you tightly again. The hug where there is no other place in the world you would rather be, because right here in this hug, you're home.

It wasn't until Sapnap heard a soft sniffle from Karl that made him pull away. Karl almost immediately refused, keeping his face tucked tightly into the crook of Sapnap's neck.

"Can you at least tell me if these are sad tears or happy tears?" Sapnap whispered, wrapping his arms back around Karl's midsection.

"Relief tears." Karl mumbled almost inaudibly into the thick fabric of Sapnap's hoodie.

"Relief? What do you- wait. You're relieved I'm not mad you're here? Karl, hey, look at me." Sapnap insisted, pulling away no matter how badly his body craved being pressed against Karl's. Karl kept his face down at first, wiping away any remnant tears before looking Sapnap in the eyes.

Sapnap was fighting his every instinct to reach his hand up to Karl's cheek, to rub his thumb across his dampened skin, to pull Karl's face down to his. Karl sighed, closing his eyes and beginning to lean forward.

Sapnap didn't even have time to process if this was real or another lovely lucid dream. He closed his eyes, fully prepared to feel Karl press their lips together. Sapnap opened his eyes, blinking rapidly, when he felt Karl press his forehead against his own. He looked up to see Karl's eyes still closed.

"Sorry for crying. I know it's dumb, really. I just had this stupid dream when I fell asleep on the flight. I'd never seen you so, I don't know, disappointed in me for something. So, yeah. These are tears of relief that you're not upset." Karl said quietly, his breath tickling against Sapnap's face.

What he would give to tilt his chin up slightly, to erase the small distance between them, to even have the chance to graze his lips against Karl's.

But he couldn't.

Sapnap knew Karl would never be mad about something like that, a kiss- accidental or intentional. He knew Karl was the type of friend who would laugh it off, even tell their other friends about it as a joke.

A joke was the last thing Sapnap wanted their first kiss to be. He didn't want Dream to laugh about it on some discord podcast like when George drunkenly kissed Karl after losing a bet. He wanted, more than anything, for Karl to want to kiss him too.

He knew this wasn't the time. Sapnap understood that Karl was far too fragile in his current state of mind. There was also the complication that they weren't in the comfort of Karl's house or some hotel in Florida. They were in Texas, stranded with his family for the next seven days.

So Sapnap did what he was best at. He shoved down his feelings and acted like he wasn't hopelessly in love with the beautiful boy in his arms.

"I can't believe you think so lowly of me that I'm that much of a dick in your dreams." Sapnap said sarcastically, successfully lightening the mood when Karl also let out an abrupt laugh. To his pleasant surprise, Karl didn't pull away. Instead, he let his head fall back onto Sapnap's shoulder.

This still didn't feel real to Sapnap. The fact he was in Texas but not miserable, that Karl went to such great lengths to try to make his trip more bearable, that this was possibly the longest hug they had ever shared.

"God, I should probably stop hogging you, huh? Your family doesn't even know you're here yet." Karl spoke through an exhale, finally standing up straight and taking a step back. Sapnap wasn't sure if the sudden chill he felt was because Karl pulled away or because he took the blanket with him when he did.

Karl turned towards the house, nodding in the direction of the front door. Sapnap reached out, holding onto Karl's hand. He had so much he wanted to say, yet he couldn't form a single word. Karl turned, his eyes searching over Sapnap's crestfallen expression.

"Hey, I told you you can do this. I'm sure all the kids are going to be heading to-"

"All of the kids?" Sapnap interrupted, his body nearly flinching in an involuntary response. He didn't even realize his grip must've tightened around Karl's hand until he felt Karl's thumb begin to rub circle's across the back of his hand.

"Yeah, uh, your cousins are here too. But, it's okay! Everyone's really, uh..." Karl trailed off, watching as Sapnap looked back to his car, the interior lights still illuminated because of the door he left open. It was clear that Sapnap was already looking for an escape plan.

"Hey, hey, it's your turn to look at me." Karl started, separating their hands for just a moment so he could interlock their fingers. This was enough to catch Sapnap's attention, a small portion of his anxiety fading away from the gesture. 

"Karl, I can't-"

"You can. Let's just sit out here for a minute. Come on. We can wait as long as you need." Karl said with a warm smile and expression that melted Sapnap's heart.

After a few tugs and some more words of encouragement from Karl, Sapnap found himself being led to the swing. The same swing he hid on as a child when the chaos inside became too much for his young heart to handle. The same swing he sat on late at night during his teen years, debating on if his family- if the world, could ever accept him for who he is.

It was also the same swing that he imagined sitting on with Karl during his dazed road trip. His idealized daydream had finally become a reality, as they sat on the cool cushions, causing the rusted metal chains to squeak under their weight.

"Here, it's getting cold." Karl said while unwrapping the blanket from himself, now laying it over both of their laps. Sapnap finally looked over to Karl, green meeting blue through slow blinks. Sapnap's gaze traveled to Karl's lips, which he could still feel pressed against his own from his dream.

"You didn't have to do this, come all this way." Sapnap said quietly, looking away from Karl and towards the field of bluebonnets just past the porch's railing. Karl nudged Sapnap's side with a slight laugh, still trying to keep the conversation light.

"Of course I did. I'd be a pretty crappy soulmate if I-"

"Kuya Nick! You're home!" Marisol called out from the open kitchen window behind the swing, causing both boys to jump from the sudden intrusion. Marisol announcing Sapnap's arrival to those who were still awake could be heard behind them.

Sapnap cleared his throat, adjusting on the swing to create a space between him and Karl for the first time. He knew Karl was probably confused, seeing that he's never had a problem being affectionate in front of their friends or even Karl's family, but he couldn't risk it with his own. The last thing he could handle on this trip was his family confronting him with questions about his sexuality.

"Hi Mari. It is way past your bedtime!" Sapnap said with a bright smile, standing up from the porch swing once she ran out the side door and down the porch. Similarly to how Karl greeted her back in the airport, Sapnap picked her up and spun in a circle.

Sounds of running footsteps, lights turning on that flooded onto the porch, and voices coming into earshot. Sapnap caught a glimpse of Karl before setting down Marisol. Once Karl noticed Sapnap looking in his direction, he gave him a small smile and head nod for encouragement, just before more of Sapnap's family came outside.

-------------------------------

(1,497 word) raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by your family asking you unwarranted questions about your sexuality (bonus points for gender too)