The Sparks Within

The Dilemma

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts"

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Zulai

It was night time, I sat in the dark gazing into the nighttime sky, the dominant objects visible to my unaided eyes are the beautiful stars

There's something about sitting alone in the dark that reminds you how big the world really is, and how far apart we all are. The stars look like they're so close, you could reach out and touch them. But you can't. Sometimes things look a lot closer than they are.

I found myself smiling when Balarabe's thoughts suddenly crossed my mind and I realised that one of the things I love most about him is he existed on his own terms and I followed it without hesitation.

His light extraordinary has the power to create happiness within me. But at the back of my mind, I feel like I wanted something more

I looked away from the sky and stared dully at the desolate, cold road and the pale, dead night. I had the biggest surprise of my life when I saw tanimu, standing, staring at me from a safe distance.

When our eyes met, my repressed feelings for him resurfaced. I knew what he was here for, but I am not sure I will be able to give it to him

"My love for you is like a burning candle, it never died even for an instant" He suddenly said, with a small smile

I felt my heart going hard like a hammer, It's maddening how he consumes my very being

His smile ripped my soul and hypnotized my brain, Seduced in an indescribable agony of dreams.

I wanted to give him a hug, but instead, I rose to my feet and ran home without daring to look back at him one more time. He left me confused and with so many doubts and questions that night, nothing was clear anymore. Is it Balarabe or Tanimu? I couldn't decide anymore

All I wanted was to run off to some island, or another world, a place beyond anybody's reach, A place beyond the flow of time. But there's no place like that in this world. Which is why I'm living here, in this world where things are continually damaged and confusing, where the heart is fickle, where time flows past without a break.

I decided to leave town, go far away from everyone and everything. To think about life and my future. So I set out in the morning for a five hour journey to my cousins house without informing anyone. But before I reached my destination, the news of my departure has reached all of my relatives and my cousin is already on the look out for me.

She let out a breath of relief she didn't know she was holding as soon as she saw me, before giving me a big hug. She quickly called home to inform them that I am safe and sound with her

Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous, to poetry. But being away from home or Balarabe never felt right or beautiful. It only gave birth to a certain anxiety and loneliness inside me

It's during times like this that I wish anxiety served no good purpose. That it could be surgically removed and discarded like an infected gallbladder, one that has tormented a body with constant bouts of pain.

While I was away, I strived for clarity. But I only found a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.

...I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.

I had this feeling and thoughts about Balarabe I have never felt before. I had tried to make myself like stone, but now the facade was falling away.

The summer stretched out the daylight as if on a rack. Each moment was drawn out until its anatomy collapsed. Time broke down, The day progressed in an endless sequence of dead moments. That's when I finally realized I terribly missed home, balarabe, his jokes, and sometimes his twisted way of saying he loves me

Perhaps I am In love, but Is love this misguided need to have him beside me most of the time? Is love this safety I feel in our silences? Is it this belonging, this completeness when I am with him?

I try to do something positive, I socialise more, But deep down I know the truth.
An entire world of people can never replace the one that I've left behind, that's Balarabe

It was like something is missing in my life, Perhaps it's balarabe's uncondinal love that is being stored up for me like an inheritance that I miss. For in his love there is a strength and a blessing so large that I can travel as far as I wish without having to step outside it

I decided to go home when I realised that I can't find any answers by distancing myself from the situation, and a solid answer to everything is not necessary.

All I felt was ashamed for leaving without saying goodbye when I left this unfamiliar world and was going back to the world where events move, things change, light flickers, life flows in a clear stream, whether over mud or over stones

I walked into the house slowly, but eager to see everyone. I guess that's when I understood what shame was and the color of it too. Shame ain't black like dirt, like I always thought it was.

Nobody was home, expect talatu our maid who was super happy to see me. She told me that mother has gone to check up on balarabe, he has not been feeling well. On hearing that, worry took over my features. I threw the bag I was holding and ran out of the house

I barged into his room minutes later. Aunt Safiya's head snapped towards me, she looked at me with shock and disbelief. She started towards me but then stopped when she noticed my attention was not on her, it was on her son. She just smiled and quietly watched, not wanting to ruin the moment

Balarabe opened his eyes slowly. I never wanted to kiss anyone more than I did when he opened his beautiful, sleepy eyes and looked at me.

The second our eyes met, I knew something has changed. He looked at me like he could see into my very soul, and it felt as if I couldn't breathe.

He quickly arose from his bed and closed the distance between us. He didn't have to say a word, for his bold beautiful eyes have undressed his ancient unrevealable emotions.

We were close enough that he could feel the hurried beat of my heart. He could feel my indecision in every word I didn't say and every move I didn't make. I was tense with uncertainty, quivering with irresolution. I might not be leaning into him, but I wasn't pulling away either.

He embraced me, he held me so tightly as if he was afraid I will disappear if he let go. And in that moment, I felt like If there is a heaven for me, it is in his arms

We spent the whole night in the living room talking, catching up

I got silent for a minute in the middle of our conversation, the thoughts of Tanimu washing over me like a wave.

"One of your ex boyfriends, I think he is called Tanimu, his mother has spoken to your mom about your relationship with her son. She made it clear that she has chosen a wife for him and that she doesn't want you anywhere near him" balarabe said, as if he has read my mind

That topic brought a stop to our conversation. I bid balarabe goodnight and went to bed, only that I couldn't sleep. My mind was occupied with the thoughts of tanimu

I guess, No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away, and some people we can never forget. Just like my mystery guy, my one and only 'Tanimu'

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