𝐈 𝐍 𝐓 𝐎 𝐘 𝐎 𝐔

𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

TW/ throwing up, mention of rape
———————————
7 months pregnant

I stare at the ceiling my mind was clear for a while.

"Y/n get up we are going shopping!!" Hutao opens the door smiling at me.
I groan getting up and changed, I walk down the stairs to Xiao and Zhongli sitting at the table talking about something.
"Morning Y/n" Zhongli nods at me
"Y/n you okay you look pale?" Xiao stands up on alert like a security dog almost.
Before I can reply I feel a wave of sickness running to the toilet and throwing up.

"Shit" I hear foot steps and a soft feeling on my back
"Y/n I've got you" Hutaos voice is soft, one hand is holding back my hair and the other rubbing my back.
I sit up, grab some toilet paper and wipe my face.
Flushing the toilet I stand up carefully, Hutaos smile is soft she leads me to the front door to leave.

"What are you doing with Y/n." Xiao's voice is stern and unsupportive.
"Calm down I'm talking her out we can't keep her in here forever" Hutao says unlocking the door..
"She just threw up you can't take her out!" He's frustrated, I cover my ears my heads ringing.
"She's gonna get sick. she's pregnant? morning sickness? And you shouting isn't gonna help with anything will it." Hutao says to Xiao without shouting or raising her voice. I'm confused.

We get to the mall and get some coffee first I only get a small coffee. We sit at table chatting. I spot a couple waiting for their coffee holding hands, giving little kisses and it's just a sweet relationship.

"You know what's kinda depressing?"
"What?"
"I'll never find that kind of love.." I look at the couple his hand on her waist. Her hand on his shoulders. I makes me feel empty
"What? What do you mean Y/n?" She laughs slightly in a concerned tone.
"There's no darkness.. it just sweet. I don't think that will ever be enough for me."
"Y/n what happened you can tell me." Hutao holds my hand, i sigh looking at the table.
"Me and Xiao, we are just falling apart. All we do is yell at each other. It partly my fault I guess, there's a hole in my heart that needs to be filled with alcohol, arguing and sex.
Which isn't great but it's how I've always have been. I was raised on it. I would see my dad have affairs, he would rape my mother."I feel my throat close up.
"We have arguments like everyday it feels like, it usually ends up with me hurting him. You know how me and Xiao disappeared for the party. We were having an argument upstairs.." I can't look up my head feels like a cement block, she just sighed.
"Everyone is built differently, so people will argue more than others, it's doesn't help that your stressed 24/7 and you have to eat and you can't drink so your whole routine is off for 9 months. Your paranoid that you won't get into any law schools cause your applications haven't been approved or submitted yet. I know you guys are fine" she reassured me, I couldn't help but feel like she's wrong just looking at the couple and then thinking about my relationship. It doesn't work.

After shopping we get home at 8pm, take all the bags upstairs to the bedroom too sort them out.
While I was walking up the stairs I saw hutao pull Xiao aside and talk to him, I'm preparing myself.

As I'm putting away some baby clothes in a drawer the door creeks open.
"Hey Y/n.. You okay?" Xiao walks into the room.
"Actually that's a dumb question. I know your not okay, why don't you tell me anything anymore? Do you not trust me." He says it in such a tone that makes me feel nothing.
"I trust you I just can't tell you anything.." I still putting clothes in the drawer not looking at him.
"Why can't you tell me? Y/n I want to help you. Hutao told me your stressed and you don't like how we argue a lot." He sits on the side of the bed.
"You wouldn't understand how I felt when I saw that couple so in love and it was just sweet. No darkness. I knew that would never be enough for me, no arguing, no yelling.." the thought of a relationship like that it's such a warming feeling.
"I know you've been surrounded by toxic love your entire life but you don't need to shut me out I can comfort you I can help somehow.." Xiao try's to.. i don't know what he's trying to do but it's not working.
"Why do you think everything will be fine cause 99% of the time IT DOESN'T! You get my hopes up for a happy ending and I never get one, there's nothing left for me anymore, life's got no meaning anymore" I sigh almost losing my temper.
"This isn't the end, there are other things that can give your life meaning." His tones is soft yet so concerned.
"Like what, Like you?" I scoff, my voice has no emotion to it, it's just dull
"Now this is the part where you apologise" I see tears forming in his eyes as he speaks.
"this is the part you leave"  I glare at Xiao as I speak. He looks hurt and fed up.
"Fine, I can't watch you do this to your self anymore." He gets up and walks towards to door
"To difficult for you, it's it?!" I laugh sarcastically.
"Yes. it is. It breaks my heart to see you this way" He looks back at me tears fall down his face as he leaves the room
"No, don't pity me" I follow him
"I'm not pitying you" He walks down the stairs stopping at the front door
"You care, SO MUCH, don't you?" I shout from the top of the stairs.
"Goodbye, Y/n" Xiao slams the door behind him as I stand at the top of the stairs. Hutao look at me from the bottoms of the stairs.
"What happened." She says her voice stern.
"I just fucked up badly. like really badly.." The realisation hits me, I run down the stairs, swinging the door wide open. He's not there. His car is gone as well.
"Fuck.." I mumble "I need the car keys toss them. NOW!" I shout, she quickly throws the keys to me. I slam the door while unlocking the car.

incoming call loud speaker 💗

Accept

"Y/N WHATS GOING ON?!" she shouts down the phone
"I fucked up really badly Hutao. Man I've lost him for sure now." I speed down the motor way my throat closing up on me.
"I'm sure you haven't okay babe, look we will find him trust me" hearing those words hurt cause I never thought this would happen.
We sit in silence for a minute, my head searching for where he might be. Just a hint. I would take anything.
Then it hit me.
"I know where he is. Bye" I hang up on her pressing my foot on the gas heading to the place I had a gut feeling he would be.

"..I knew it.." I smile as he sits on the door step of my apartment.
I slide down next to him.
"You meant what you said this time.. I could tell Y/n" he looks at the vodka bottle in his hand then up at the moon.
"Why haven't you broken up with me yet" I say looking at him. I want answers.
"Cause you have my baby? It's really not rocket science" Xiao rolls his eyes at me
"No not like that. I mean like you have waited for me after every argument and you stay. Why?" I keep my eyes on him, hoping to see some sort of emotion. Some sort of sign that he let go. But nothing
"I've waited for you cause.. I know you have a hard time loving, your entire life has been revolved around toxic love and loss. I mean you saw you dad rape your mother, you have been used for you body, the one person you let your guard down for killed you parents, you were abused and exploited while trying to find yourself during a breakup. The years haven't been kind to you." He sighs finally looking at me. I feel a guilt sink in.
"I'll try be better. I'll try change. I promise, I don't want to live like this anymore" I smile at him, Xiao smiles back.
"I remember sitting in the pub, while we were talking I remember you saying that your days felt the same and that they are numbered. I didn't want you to feel like that, so that holiday trip all four of us went on, i planed. I felt bad, if your days were numbered I wanted them to be happy and full of excitement and I wanted them to feel different from the days before. I don't know if it worked or not so" He laugh slightly, I sit there tears rolling down my face.
"You did that for me? I don't remember saying that but also I got hammered after so. But still." I cry Xiao laughs slightly I must sound so dumb.
I pull him into a kiss.
I couldn't lose him, after everything he's done for me, and after the hell I put him through I owe him big time.

"Let's go inside" I stand up unlocking the door, it was decorated and prepared for baby.
"Oh I forgot to mention I bought some baby stuff while you were in one of your episodes if you wa- babe why are you crying" Xiaos hand is wrapped around my bicep.
"No one's ever been this nice to me before" I cry. He pulls me into a hug while I cry into his chest.

Walking into my room there's a baby cot there next to the bed.
I feel so happy, not like normal happy it's sweet. Like that couple I saw. I felt so happy.

I curl up on the bed, patting for Xiao will sleep next to me, he pulls me close.
"I love you Y/n, I'll wait for you no matter what" He whispers as I fall asleep
"I love you so much Xiao you don't understand" I smile before falling asleep.
———————————-
Rest in peace cooper 💔🕊

Have a good night/ evening/ morning/ afternoon
Stay hydrated and safe and healthy
I'm so proud of you and I love you 💗💗 you are worth living