𝐈 𝐍 𝐓 𝐎 𝐘 𝐎 𝐔

𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃𝐁𝐘𝐄

Tw/ SH, ED AND PILLS
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We arrive back at the Airbnb.
I sit on the bed of the bed Xiao kisses my forehead before leaving the room.
I was about to pick up my phone when HuTao,Zhongli and Lumine come sneaking into the room. Hutao sits next to me on the bed, before I can even breath Hutao starts to ramble.
"Did you guys eat?"
"Did you make out again?"
"No he wouldn't. Did he ask you out?"
"TELL ME HE ASKED YOU OUT!"
"DID YOU KISS?" Hutao's brain is moving faster than her mouth can move.
"No,no,yes,yes and yes" I laugh slightly, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Not by Hutao. Just by everything.
"Pay Up Bitch! £30!" Hu tao shouts moving her hand in a grabbing motion.
"You made a bet" I laugh.
"Yeah now go to bed your Prince Charming is coming" Hutao laughs, while zhongli holds her hand walking out.
"Night Y/n" Lumine says walking out, she smiles at Xiao while he walks past.

"Hey" Xiao gets in the bed. I crawl over to him resting my head on his chest. We sit in silence for a bit, I feel uncomfortable.
"Hey don't you find it weird we made out, slept in the same bed and kissed a lot and we weren't even together?" I question, breaking the silence.
"1 we were drunk and there was consent 2 friends sleep together 3 the romance was there okay and 4 we kinda were already together remember you said you liked me and I said I liked you too and then you know happened" Xiao clarifies.
"okay. I'm gonna say good night to Hutao I'll be back." I get up off the bed, walking outside closing the door behind me.

I walk to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water before suddenly I stopping. A gut feeling. Something I recognise.

'No. No. Please no. Not now'

My heart racing, my breathing speeding up, I feel my throat close up on me. Loss of air.
"Y/n? Are you okay" a soft hand on my shoulder. I turn my head, it's Hutao.
"Woah,what's wrong? Sit down" she leads me to a chair, my Breathing is shaky.
"Look Y/n. Look at me." She holds my face in her hands. "Your having an panic attack. Okay? Your gonna be okay." She comforts me, my heart beat and breathing becomes more steady.
"Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Getting with Xiao, I feel uncomfortable" I whisper, mainly cause I couldn't breathe but also because I didn't want him to hear.
"Hold on." Hutao say standing up. "Why do you feel uncomfortable. What did he do to you because I can go in the an-" She starts to get more angry about the situation.
"No nothing he didn't do anything. I just... I don't know." I sigh before getting up, I grab my class of water. Hutao give me a sympathetic look as I walk past her.
"Do you love him?" She says. I stop in my tracks.
"Yeah. Of course!" I answer, not turning around, scared of what I would face.
"Then why are you double guessing yourself." I don't understand what she means. I just walk back to Xiao.

When I walk in Xiao's past out on the bed, his back is facing me. I smile slightly walking around the bed.
I pull the covers close, Xiao's hair covering his face, I lightly dust it off him.
Kissing his forehead, I go to turn off the light.

-
It's 4:00am and we pack and move everything in the car to leave
-

I sigh buckling up next to Xiao one last time.
Hu tao and Zhongli are in the front yet again for the last time, this time Zhongli is driving.
We still silent in the car for the first few minutes until "So you two what happened last night" Zhongli spoke, I gave Xiao a look asking him to speak
"So we got on the Ferris wheel and we got to the top I asked Y/n out, she said yes we shared a little kiss at the top and came back down" He mumbled the last part going a light pink, I remembered the Photo Booth and pulled out both copies of it, I handed one to Xiao, he put it at the back of his phone case.
I spotted he took a picture of me at the arcade and put it as his Lock Screen.
My heart fluttered.

-

I realised when we reached the apartments I knew it was the end of our public relationships.
I rested my head on Xiao's shoulder and held his hand making use of the 30 minutes of silence we had left.

When we arrived at McDonald's I knew time was almost up, I was not looking forward to it even though we live next to each other we can't be seen together.

- TW/ ED,SH AND PILLS COMING UP SOON

We arrived in the parking lot of the apartments, I looked at Xiao, I unbuckled my seatbelt he lifted me onto his lap and I gave him a long passionate kiss, I didn't know when I would be able to do that again so I took my chances.
"I love you so much Xiao" I hold his face in my hands.
"I love you Y/n" his arms around my waist.

I get off him and say goodbye to Hutao and Zhongli and thank them for the trip while Xiao unloaded our bags.

I smiles at Xiao when we arrived at our doors, I stepped inside my apartment and shut the door behind me.

My head that was once silent and peaceful, soon became my worst nightmare.

I bet he thinks your fat after all you ate in that trip.
You fat pig.
Why didn't you listen to me on that trip?
maybe he would love you more if you listened.
He's scared to commit to you. You know that right.

I try to ignore myself and go to unpack,
I place my bags on my bed before the thoughts come flooding back

You fat pig.
go kys
Your not skinny enough I bet you look like I hippo.

I couldn't take it anymore, I ran to the bathroom and hunched over the toilet,

You'll never be skinny enough
You won't be fat if you listen to me

I pull the knife from the side of the sink
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Fourteen
Twenty
Thirty
Fifty

I cry on the floor of my bathroom

'I need pills, where's my xanax or MDA. Where are they.'

I rummage through my cupboards, looking for my pills, I find both. Taking two of each. After I take them I have no energy I have cried too much I crash out on the floor in the middle of my apartment.
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Okay it took a dark turn but it will get better soon

Anyways YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE WHAT EVER SIZE COLOUR OR SHAPE YOU ARE! YOU ARE PERFECT!!
I love you and I am proud of you