Bucket Hat

Ache

"Ella?...." Kayla has been sitting on the floor next to my body for almost three hours now. She's scared. I haven't spoke or even moved in the past two. She doesn't know what to do as she sits Indian style on the hard wood floor that I'm curled up on, staring at nothing. I stopped crying two hours ago, which she thought she was thankful for. But I haven't moved since. I just lay, curled with my knees to my chest, hugging them. I'm sure I look like a child still in her mothers womb. I blink and breathe....blink and breathe.....but I don't move. Kayla has never seen me like this before. I was always the one picking up her pieces when she made a mess of her life. This is foreign to her and she's lost as to what to do. "Ella? Do you want to go lay in your bed? This floor has to be uncomfortable." She carefully speaks to me and waits. But I say nothing. I just blink and breathe. As Kayla looks around, trying to think of what she can do to help me, she surveys the damage I caused earlier. She looks at the gifts the guys got me thrown after I wiped them across the room. She sees the chairs turned over around the dining room table and the vase shattered on the floor. Her eyes scan back to me and looks at the black box still clutched tightly in my hand. This side of me scares the shit out of her. "E.....Ella?....Please.....I...I don't know what to do. You're scaring me." Still nothing. I lay lifeless on the floor staring at the wall. I feel nothing. Empty. Dead. With a sigh Kayla climbs to her feet and begins cleaning up the mess, not wanting to leave me but not knowing what else to do.

After everything is cleaned up, glass from the vase disposed of in the trash, and everything back where it was, Kayla comes back to me and sits. She runs her hand through my hair and sighs. "Ella, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have brought the gifts. I should have told Yoongi no when he asked if they could get you something for graduation. I never thought....I didn't know he'd send you something like that. He asked if I would make sure you opened it last. I figured it was something important, but I never thought it was this." She continues to run her fingers through my hair. "I'm so sorry...." She's looking at me and she sees a single tear roll down my cheek to the floor. "Please just go home Kayla." I whisper. Kayla's hand stops in my hair when she hears my voice. Followed by her wincing at my words. "I can't leave you alone Ella. I'll stay. I'm here for you." I blink and more tears start to puddle on the floor. "Please Kayla....I just need to be alone." I finally look up at her. Kayla feels tears forming in her eyes at the sadness she sees in mine. I'm broken.....again. Maybe I never was fixed though. "Please." I whisper again. Kayla swallows hard, closes her eyes and nods. "Ok El. But let me at least get you into bed before I go. I'm not going to leave you on the floor." I close my eyes for a moment and then start to push myself off the floor. My body aches and I allow my sister to help me stand. Once on my feet I see Kayla not looking at me, but at the black box still locked in my fingers. I look up at her and hold my hand up. Kalya looks at me, trying to figure out what I'm wanting, then slowly reaches for the box. I let her take it from me and she turns to sit it on the table. Then she turns back to me and hugs me. I don't hug her back, I let my arms hang lifelessly at my sides. That's exactly how I feel....lifeless. She understands and pulls away and tries to give me a small smile. "Let's get you in bed, hm?" I just look at the floor and allow her to take my hand to guide me up to my room.

Once inside Kayla walks to my dresser to pull out pajamas for me to change in to. "Would you like to take a shower or bath before you lay down?" I don't answer, continuing to look at the floor, standing still in the middle of the floor. She sighs and places my clothes on my bed. She turns to me and smiles. "El? What would you like to do?" "Sleep" I croak with an almost hoarse voice as I start to shuffle to my bed. She stays still as I lay down, fully dressed, not even pulling the blanket down to get under. I curl up again with my knees to my chest. Kayla turns and grabs an afghan our grandma had made me off a rocking chair by the window and lays it over me. I hear her sigh again before leaning down and placing a soft kiss on my temple. "I'll be back in the morning Ella. Try to sleep. I love you." Not gaining a response she again sighs then turns and leaves. I lay in the silence, staring toward the window but looking at nothing. I feel....dead. Once I hear my front door open and then close I blink and let tears start streaming freely down my face again, soaking my pillow. I curl tighter into myself and sob. Everything hurts. My head, my body, my heart, everything. I allow myself to feel again since I'm alone, and it hurts. "Why?" I start repeating to myself again. Why did he do this? Why now? It's been a year and a half. I had finally let him go. I had moved on. I was happy again. Was I though? So many thoughts flooded my mind all at once. Visions of Jungkook flooded my mind. Memories of the two of us, his face, his smile. The way he looked at me like I was the most beautiful and precious thing he'd ever seen. I always felt loved and special when he looked at me. Until the day he didn't look at me. Until the day he wouldn't look at me. The pain I felt that day resurfaces and guts me all over again, like it was just happening. He wouldn't even look at me, spare me a glance, in the moment I needed him the most. I needed his reassurance that everything would be ok, and he loved me, more than ever that day. His silence shattered me. And now I'm feeling it all over again as if it just happened. I laid on my bed, crying and crying, screaming into my pillow at how selfish he was to fuck with my head like this, until my body couldn't take it anymore and I drift off to sleep.

I don't know how long I slept, but when I opened my eyes it was still dark out. I'm scanned my surroundings, quickly remembering where I was and the events of a few hours before. I slowly sit up and immediately am met with a throb in my head. In need of water and aspirin I slowly slide off my bed and head to the bathroom. The light makes me squint and my head throb worse when I flick it on. Searching I quickly find pain relievers and shake two out of the bottle. After washing them down with water I lift my head and look in the mirror. The person I see looking back frightens me. My hair is everywhere, my eyes bloodshot and swollen. I can clearly see the dried tear steaks down my face. My whole face looks swollen. I look tired and aged. Far older than the 30 years old I actually was. I scoff at my reflection. "Lookin' good Ella." I roll my eyes to my reflection and turn and head back to my bed where I crawl in, this time going under the blankets and pulling them over my head. I feel the ache again. My heart hurts so bad. I never thought it was true when people said a broken heart hurts, always thinking it was a metaphor. Now I know it is factual. My chest literally aches. How does this hurt so bad? I place my fist against my chest and start crying again. My mind flashes Jun now and I cry harder. I don't deserve him. He's too good for me. I'm a terrible person for telling him I love him when I'm obviously still in love with Jungkook. I mentally scream at myself. Jun doesn't deserve this. He's an amazing man and has been nothing but good to me. He's given me nothing but love from the very beginning and I've stomped all over it. How can I even call myself loyal? I'm not. Not when I think of another man when I'm with him. Pushing my face more into my pillow I scream out through my tears. "why can't I let you go?!"