Bucket Hat

Understanding

It's been six months since I left Korea. Six months since I've seen him. I've been doing pretty good. I'm back to work for a new school year and have basically gone back to how I was before BTS and Jungkook came into my life and flipped it upside down. Everything was like it used to be. It was comfortable. I still love kpop along with my sister but don't allow myself  to be a total fan girl with BTS anymore. I still love their music and listen to it often. I will be buying their new album when it comes out in a couple weeks but I won't be buying tickets to their sold out North American concerts coming up in a few short months. I can't do that to myself. I have worked so hard to move on but I'm not stupid. I still, and probably will always, have deep feelings for Jungkook. I fell in love with him hard and fast. That's what our relationship was. It was fast and furious. I hurt from it but I wouldn't take back the time I spent with him for anything. He's special to me and our memories will always be the most special. Kayla keeps me in the BTS loop to an extent and I do, very occasionally, text with Jimin and Hobi. We mainly say hi and catch up on what's been going on and let each other know we're all doing fine. I don't text Mingyu anymore but I talk to Jun often. He's been a huge supporter of mine in helping me heal. Kayla and Yoongi are still Kayla and Yoongi. They talk and sext and FaceTime to do nasty shit through the screen. He's flown over here once and spent a few days with her. She hasn't went back to Korea and told him she won't because she'll quote, 'cut that fucker who tore my sister apart and left the pieces.' She's so dramatic but I love her so much. She always has my back. Yoongi and Kay visited one day when he was here and I have to admit, it was really nice seeing him. We spent the day talking and laughing. I cooked them dinner, which Yoongi helped me with. It was a nice day and he never once brought up Jungkook. But the day he was to leave he called me, out of the blue, and asked if he could come over for a moment. I skeptically agreed and when he came he said he wanted to say goodbye and give me something. He placed a box on my counter and said, "I was told this belongs here with you." And then he turned and walked out. I felt my body start to shake. I knew who this box was from, or at least who it was about. Hesitantly I opened the box and fell apart instantly. Inside was the bracelet Jungkook had sent me, that he had made just for me. That matches his. Under the bracelet I saw paper folded. A letter. I couldn't bring myself to pull the paper out. I sat and cried while holding the bracelet in my fingers for hours. Once I had no more tears to cry, I put the bracelet back in the box and pushed it closed. I put the box in my dresser and that's where it's been ever since.

"Bye bye kids! Have a great weekend!" After all the kids had boarded their buses I walk back into my  classroom and begin my same routine. Paperwork. I'm  typing a new IEP and my phone starts to ring. I pick it up and am shocked to see the caller. Taehyung. I debate whether to answer but feel like something might be wrong because he's never called me before. And it was like 5am in Korea. I press the green button and hit the speaker button. With a shaky voice I say, "Hello? Tae?" "Hi Ella! How are you?" I am surprised at how candid he's being. "Is everything ok?" He laughs. "Yes why do you ask?" I clear my throat, still feeling confused for the call. "Well....because you never call me. And it's  like five in the morning over there right now." I hear his cute little laugh again and hear him say something in Korean, clearly away from the phone. "Who are you talking to? Taehyung, is everything ok? You're freaking me out a little." I hear some scuffling on his end and him talking again in Korean. "Tae! English! And I'm at work so is there a reason why you called?" He clears his throat and slaps someone, kinda hard, and that's when I hear his voice. "YAH!" I freeze. I haven't heard his voice since that day almost eight months ago. I feel my body start to shake and panic rising throughout me. "T-Tae? Who's there with you? What's going on?" I ask very slowly and hold my breath. He gives a nervous laugh through the phone. "Ahh, yeah. Umm....I'm calling to see how are you.....and who's with me? Ummm....." He talks in Korean again and I can clearly hear Jungkook's whispering voice this time. "Tae? Is he with you right now?" I hear a little more whispering. "Uhhh....Hmm....yes." He whispers the last word. I felt a jolt pass through my body. No no no. I can't do this. Not now. Not after I've worked so hard to move on. I feel anger building suddenly. "Why? What does he want?! What do you all want?!!" I start to raise my voice without realizing it. I hear more rustling on Tae's end. "Umm..." "I'm hanging up" I cut him off. "I'm working and don't have time for this. I have a life." Just as I was about to hit the red button with a shaking finger Tae yells. "Wait! Ella! He.....he just wants to know how you're doing.....and hear your voice." I sigh and try my damndest to swallow the knot in my throat. It's pointless though and the tears fall when I hear his voice calling out to me. "Ella? You didn't hang up did you?" I choke back a sob and he hears it. I hear him sigh into the phone. "I can hear you so.....just listen and you don't have to say anything. But I need to say this. Ella....I'm...I'm so sorry how everything happened between us. I was a coward and didn't protect you. I'll never forgive myself. I want you to know that you weren't a mistake, you'll never be a mistake. You were the greatest thing to happen to me. And I loved you." He sighs when he hears me softly crying. "I still love you Ella. I always will. I wish I was more careful and those photos never happened. We'd still be together. I wish I would have went against my hyungs and company and told the world how much I loved you and let the consequences come. But I can't take back how everything happened. I'm so sorry though for how badly I hurt you. I hope one day you'll understand some why I chose what I chose. It was never to not choose you....it was to do what was right for my hyungs. BTS is not just me....it's them too." I hear his voice crack and him sniff as I continue to cry at my desk, listening. "God I fucked up! I ruined everything! I wish I could take it all back. I miss you so much. Every day. I'm so sorry Ella." His voice stops and we  both sit in silence, being able to hear each other's soft cries. I try to gather myself and clear my throat. "Is that all you wanted?" He sighs heavily in the phone. "Ella...." I let a sob out. "I can't do this.....I....I have to go. Goodbye." As I press the red button I hear him for one last moment. "I love you." I hit end. Grabbing my phone and purse I stomp out of my classroom and school to my car, ignoring my coworkers stares because I'm crying. Once in my car I let it all out. I scream as I cry and hit my steering wheel. "AHHHH!!! WHY??!!!" I rest my head on my steering wheel and just cry. After far too long I lift my head and pull myself together. I wipe my face and pick up my phone and dial. "Kayla....I need you." "Ok. I'll be at your house." She softly says with a worried tone. I just hang up and start my car and head home.

After I tell Kayla what happened and break down for the hundredth time to her she excuses herself to the bathroom. But I'm not stupid. She's calling Yoongi. I tiptoe down the hall and listen against the bathroom door. "What the fuck Yoongi?! She's a fucking wreck all over again! What was he thinking?! What the hell was Tae thinking?!! I don't care-yes I get he need-I don't give a shit about how he's feeling! She's just now to a point where she's sleeping normally again Yoongi! Almost eight months! It's taken her eight fucking months to be ok enough just to fucking be able to sleep and his dumb ass tore it all down with a five minute fucking phone call! <sigh> yes I understand he is  hurting too and this has been hard for him too, but fuck! And frankly I don't give a shit how he's feeling. He made his choice. She's a damn mess again Yoongs, I highly doubt he got some closure he was seeking from that conversation.....See! I told you it was a bad idea. Now they're both back to square fucking one." I turn the knob and slowly open the door. "Let me talk to him please." Kayla spins to face me, looking like she's met her death. "El...." I reach out my hand. "Kayla, just let me talk to Yoongi a moment." She scrunches her face, a little worried, but hands me her phone. I take a deep breath and put the phone to my ear. "Hey Yoongs." "Hey Ella...I won't ask how you're holding up. Kayla already gave me an ear full. Please don't scream at me too." I can't help but chuckle. "I'm not going to yell at you. I just want to know.....is he ok? I need to know he's ok Yoongi." My voice cracks at my pleading tone and tears start to stream down my face again. I hear him sigh. "You want the truth? Then no, he's not ok. He's hurting too Ella....badly. He made his decision for that letter based off all of us, not himself. We made the damn decision for him basically. And he was scared to death that day and was already broken. He knew if he looked at you then he wouldn't be able to post that letter and it would have probably been the end of Bangtan. You are allowed to be angry and hurt, but don't hate him Ella. Be mad, but don't hate him. He did love you Ella. Shit, he still does. Probably always will I imagine. And if todays little conversation didn't prove that, well then.....the boy is fighting to stay afloat every day Ella. He's getting better day by day but he's still not the Jungkook we all know. It'll take time. Just as it will for you. But he needed to talk to you.....and tell you how sorry he was for hurting you. I don't think he could let you go until he did that. He knows he needs to let you go so you can be happy again. <sigh> We've chosen this life Ella, but you didn't. It wasn't fair to bring you into this life and have to hide you to be with you. He was selfish for that and he knows it. We all have done it. This life we chose for ourselves have come with a lot of sacrifices....one being able to have a real relationship. It's not one you think about in the beginning though so we slip. We know better but we're human and want what everyone else has....love and companionship. But it's not fair to try to bring someone into this life from a normal life. In order for us to live our dream in music in our country we sacrifice a normal life. It's sucks but it's the hard truth. I'm sorry you had to see this side of the sacrifices and I'm sorry Jungkookie has to feel this side of it because that boy has a lot of love to give. But now isn't the right time for him to give it. Can you understand what I've said or did I sound like a blabbering asshole?" I wipe the tears from my cheeks and laugh a bit. "I do Yoongi. I understand what you've said. I should have known better too. I know enough about kpop to know about the dating part. I was stupid to think he and I could have something real." "Wait now Ella." He interrupts me. "What you two had WAS real. Don't ever think it wasn't. He loves you. It just isn't the right time for him." I nod even though he can't see me. "Yeah....it was real. I love him too. I always will. Thank you for kind of clarifying it all for me. And tell him thank you from me for the apology and that I don't hate him. I can never hate him. Please tell him that Yoongi, and tell him he'll always have a special place in my heart and that I forgive him and I'm sorry too and....that I love him." I hear Yoongi sigh. "I'll tell him Ella. I'm sure he knows how you feel but I'll tell him." Sniffing I thank him and hand the phone back to Kayla. I mumble "I'm going to go lay down" and walk out of the bathroom with Kayla standing and looking at me helplessly. "El....."