Butterflies || MarkKit

CHP 41 || Bane of My Existence

I sound so awkward, it's painful. I merely curse at myself in my head. I don't know why I was acting this way, it's not like I was doing it on purpose. But... I just didn't know what he wanted, or what he didn't want.

"I've been fine." I hear him reply, but I'm dazed.

Not when he's been avoiding me for a long time now, and I know that. I know he has been avoiding me. In the beginning, I thought it was just a coincidence. But over time, I realized that Kit was going out of his way to come up with good excuses. It piled up, one over the other, a mountain so high that I couldn't climb it.

I guess I gave up in the end. I gave up and didn't insist anymore. I would text him and chat with him, but I wouldn't go out of my way to insist on more time with him. One might say I'm being a coward, stopping right before the current. And that is true. I was a coward. But I wasn't stopping. I was in the current, and I was getting drawn away. Pulled away. Falling, into this confusing mess of emotions, feelings, thoughts, desires, needs...

It scared me so much. So in the end, am I really giving in because he wanted to avoid me in the first place? Or because I was scared to face my overwhelming thoughts in the second?

I couldn't stop thinking about him. I would wake up, and the first thing to trickle into my mind is Kit. I would go to sleep, and the mere moments before my brain drifts off to dreamland, all I see was Kit. Everything was Kit. I tried to distract myself in his absence, going out a little more with my friends and spending more time doing things I don't usually do. 

But every time. Every single time I would be doing something else, may that be driving the streets at 11 PM, or laughing along with my friends at our local club, I would have this nagging feeling. This heavy nagging feeling in my chest, calling out to me. It was like a spell, deep and entrancing. It was everything euphoria. But it was also a drug. 

I'm looking at Kit right now, the way his strands of hair blow gently in the wind, and I want to reach out and brush them out of his eyes. I want to touch his face, caress his skin, and nuzzle into his warmth. I want him to look at me with his pretty brown eyes, eyes which sparkle golden when hit by the sunlight, and just look at me. Acknowledge me. I want to make him laugh, tease him, maybe even attempt to tickle him, just to see those dimples crease his cheeks. 

I couldn't forget.

I want to touch him, kiss him, claim his lips softly, in any way he would like. Anything he would ask for, I'll comply with his needs. How... how did it come this far? How am I getting pulled into the current this fast? How am I losing sense of myself this damn fast? Was I always like this? Did I know I'll be like this?

That one day, when I was stalking his social media with Wayu, pausing at the posts to look at his face, and thinking to myself, he is a very cute person. Approaching him in the library, the same cute face greeting me with a scowl and all. Was I expecting this?

"Mark..?"

I didn't realize I was staring at him as Kit suddenly snaps his fingers, once and twice, and I break out of my trance.