a collection of whimsy

What About ME?

!!! Trigger Warning !!!

Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Domestic Violence

There is no safe place, no safe haven.

Home is never safe..

In fear do you cower, tiny and hidden only in the corner of your room as parents big and threatening scream outside your door. Tears stain your cheeks and anxiety clouds your judgement; all you're trying to do now is survive. Survive the horror, survive the pain, trying to be as small as you possibly can so that they can't see you. So that they can't hit you, hurt you. But they do. Like an army they storm into your room and pull you out by your hair. You scream, you cry, you beg them to stop. You did something wrong, you hurt their feelings. You deserve this, this is how you learn. This is your punishment for talking back, for swearing like your parents do. For acting out of order. You deserve this. You deserve the bruises and the scratches and the screaming and the soap shoved down your throat. You deserve all of it because you talked back, you acted out and you misbehaved. Why are you so angry all the time, why are you so depressed? Nobody knows but you don't want to be here anymore. You want to die. Be hit by a car or killed in a gunfire because you can't bring yourself to do it on your own. It would be selfish and you can't leave your sister to endure the abuse on her own. You can't leave her alone, ever, or they'll hurt her, too. All of the attention is on you, anyway, because you're the bad child. You're the scapegoat and you don't even know it yet. You don't even know it. You don't deserve it. They tell you that you deserve it. If you didn't act out all the time they wouldn't have to treat you like that.

Dad is a drunk, dad hurt you. Hit you with a belt. Mom screams, mom doesn't want to hurt you like he does. But she does. They all do. Dad goes to prison, mom meets a new man. They hit you, they scream, they blame you. You blame them. Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain, this abuse, this mistreatment? Call it what it is – Abuse.

You grow up, try to explain to people what happened to you and why you hate your mom. Why you hate everything and everyone. She's your mom, she's only trying to do what's best for you, she loves you. She didn't mean it, she didn't know better, she's mentally ill, she was being abused, too. She has her own problems and you're only making it worse. Constantly are you being invalidated, even by those your trust the most. Why doesn't anybody see me? Why can't you hear me? Are you not LISTENING??

The thing you want most is to finally be able to break, to shout and scream the next time they invalidate your feelings, your experiences, your pain. Stop telling me about it, stop trying to reason, why are you on her side? What did I do to deserve this? Do I deserve this? Please stop talking over me. Listen to me! Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. Hear. Me. Please. I need to be heard. Nobody hears me. Why can't you hear me?

What about me? What about MY pain?

What about Me?...

Home was never safe..

There is no safe place, no safe haven.

I am alone.