fatal love

chapter 180

He was so cold. Even Padfoot's fur didn't help, the Dementors sucked out all the warmth, even the physical kind.

He didn't scream anymore. He didn't plead for forgiveness. No good, didn't do any good, no point. He stayed as Padfoot for days sometimes, but sometimes only for a few hours. Part of him wanted to relive the memories, feel all the pain again.

Penance.

He turned just in time to see a flash of green light, and Fabian being hit square in the chest. The Auror's face froze in surprise, and then he toppled backwards.

Sirius didn't even have time to react before Gideon's scream hit the air. The twin forgot all about the Death Eaters, and stared at his brother's body in horror.

"Gideon!" Sirius yelled, diving over and grabbing onto Gid's leg, just as soon as another Death Eater shouted,

"Avada Kedavra!"

Sirius apparated them both away to the first place he thought of - the alley behind the Three Broomsticks. He gasped in relief as soon as he landed, his pulse racing, and turned to look at Gideon.

But the Gid he was holding onto so tightly was dead, only his corpse left behind.

"IT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Sirius screamed, any dignity he had left disappearing before him. "IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL, YOU WON'T GO!"

Remus' eyes widened in surprise, and he took a few seconds to reply. "You..." he said quietly, "you don't get to say that, you piece of shit. That is not fair."

"I DON'T CARE!"

"What's the plan, then?" Remus looked at him mockingly. "How long until I get to make my own choices again? Or do you get the final say, now and forever?"

"FUCK YOU!" Sirius yelled, and there were no thoughts in his head, just alarm bells ringing and ringing and drowning out any hint of rationality.

"FUCK YOU!" Remus shouted right back. "JUST GIVE ME BACK MY WAND! YOU'RE ACTING FUCKING INSANE RIGHT NOW!"

"NO I'M NOT!"

"YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC! YOU CANNOT FUCKING CONTROL WHAT I DO!"

"No, because it's like I'm not even a person to you right now!" Sirius screamed. It was almost like he was watching himself from outside his body, shrieking like Walburga used to, completely unhinged. "You think I'm going insane, I can see it, and it's only making me go more crazy! You act like I'm always about to snap!"

"Because you are!" Remus bellowed. "You don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't talk! And all I try and do is look after you, and you decide to take that as an insult! That's not my fault!"

"Well it's not mine either!" Sirius kicked the wall in anger, breaking through the plaster and barely even noticing. "I'm losing my fucking mind, and you abandon me!"

"I'm giving you space!"

"I don't want fucking space! I want you, and if you still don't understand that, then I don't know what we're doing together!"

Remus froze, looking at Sirius with wary eyes. "What are you saying?" he asked quietly.

"I'm saying that I feel so fucking alone even when I'm around you! And you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to fuck me, and I don't even know if you still love me, or you're just sticking around because you think you have to!"