fatal love

chapter 119

When Sirius woke up the next morning, he felt... well, not good. But better, slightly. Remus was next to him, still asleep and snoring away, but his body was curled toward Sirius, even in his unconsciousness. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but Sirius pretended it wasn't. Pretended that Remus was as drawn to him as he was to Remus. He brushed the hair out of Remus' face gently, and Remus scrunched up his nose.

"Sorry," Sirius whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Remus opened his eyes. "It's okay," he murmured. "How are you?"

Sirius shrugged wordlessly.

"We have lessons today. Are you up for that?"

"I'm not an invalid," he snapped impulsively. "I can handle bloody lessons."

Remus' eyes widened slightly.

Sirius stiffened, feeling guilty again. "Sorry," he muttered. "Don't mean to take it out on you. Just in a bit of a shit mood."

"It's alright."

"Just don't start treating me different, okay? I'm a bit... shaky, but I don't need to be coddled."

"I'm not coddling you," Remus frowned. "I just... care."

Sirius sighed. "Yeah," he said lamely, "I know. Just... I feel kind of pathetic at the moment, you know? Nothing even happened and I've fucking spiralled, and having you worry over me is only gonna make me feel worse."

"So, what? You want me to... not care?"

"I dunno."

Remus stared at him, and Sirius looked down, uncomfortable.

"I want to help," Remus said quietly, "but I don't know how to do that if you want me to pretend nothing's wrong."

"Don't think you can help. I'll get over it, though, it's fine."

"Do... do you think you would talk to Prongs?"

"What?"

Remus looked at him sadly. "He's the one you used to tell all your family shit to. He might... he might have a better idea of what to do."

Sirius considered this. "No," he said eventually. "This is just a little blip. Don't need to bother him with it."

"But would it help?"

"... Probably not."

Remus gazed at him pityingly, and Sirius hated it. He hated how weak he felt right now, how weak he was acting. The thought of the Imperio didn't sound too bad right now, actually. Then he realised what he was thinking, and the thought scared him. He didn't want to go back to wanting that - he couldn't.

He took a deep breath and got out of bed. "I'm going to have a shower," he said tiredly, "then go down to breakfast."

"Okay."

Remus looked like he wanted to say more, but Sirius walked away before he could. He locked himself in the bathroom, turning on the shower and staring at himself in the mirror as he waited for the water to heat up. He was still feeling tense, like he might jump at any sound, and every time he shut his eyes, he saw her.

He was exhausted, which didn't help. He certainly hadn't managed more than an hour or two of sleep last night, and now he looked like shit as well. He didn't like the bags under his eyes, and he didn't like his face, the face that looked exactly like hers did. He tore his gaze away, stepping into the shower and trying to turn his brain off for a few minutes.

When he was done, he got dressed and left without saying anything to Remus. In the Great Hall, Evans was the only one already up, and she frowned at him when he sat down.