fatal love

Chapter 64

When Sirius woke up the next morning, he had a new sense of clarity. He was not happy, and certainly not accepting of his feelings, but things made sense, at least. It was like when he realised he was queer, and all the odd little thoughts he used to ignore became so obvious in their meaning.

Firstly, Remus was attractive. Sirius had never really denied that, but he'd never dwelled on it too hard either. But the floodgates were open now, and Remus' face was dancing in his mind, smiling bright like he did when he came up with a prank and so, so handsome. His voice, too. That lovely fucking accent that made him beautiful to listen to.

But not just that. He was just so fucking lovely, so kind and so funny and so smart, how could Sirius not fancy him? He'd always thought any girls who weren't interested in Remus were idiots, but maybe he'd been the idiot, for missing it for so long.

It was hopeless though, he reminded himself. And how painful that was to know. This wasn't like how he felt about Benjy, who was charming and attractive and a bit of fun. No, when he thought about Remus it was like the feelings came from somewhere deep inside him, and they were so strong they threatened to overwhelm him.

He left the dorm as soon as he woke up; he couldn't see Remus get out of bed right now, with a bed head and his voice scratchy from sleep. God, even the thought of that sent a rush through him, a rush of joy and an ache of longing all at once.

The girls were all already in the Great Hall, whispering to each other as girls did. Mary's Ravenclaw boyfriend was apparently a very important development for the Fifth Year Gryffindor girls, but Marlene had confessed to Sirius that she was getting bored of hearing about him.

"She's failing the Bechdel test of her own life!" she had complained to him in Muggle Studies last week. She had then had to explain to him what the Bechdel test was, but once she had, Sirius had seen how that could get annoying. Of course, now he felt that he could talk about nothing but Remus for hours, and they weren't even together, so perhaps he wasn't really in a position to judge Mary.

"Sirius!" Marlene exclaimed gratefully when he sat down. "We'll carry on this conversation later, yeah Mary? Sirius doesn't want to talk about boys."

Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, smirking, and she sent him a knowing grin.

"Have you got your eye on anyone, Sirius?" Mary asked. "It's been a while since you had a girlfriend."

"Nah," he said, lying through his teeth, "can't be arsed with all the commitment."

"Oh God," Lily groaned, "what is it with boys and commitment? We're fifteen, no one's expecting marriage."

"You don't know pureblood culture, Evans," Sirius tutted. "Walburga was already betrothed to Orion by the time she was our age, they got married as soon as she was of age."

The girls all pulled disgusted faces, and Sirius nodded grimly.

"You don't have a fiancée though, do you?" Marlene asked.

"I'm male, they let us have a bit more time," Sirius explained.

"God, the Sacred 28 is fucked," she muttered, "think I might rather be a half-breed than be part of that cult."

"Don't write it off so soon," he grinned. "I haven't even told you about the incest yet!"

He managed to have a bit more banter with the girls, until the rest of the Marauders came down. As soon as he saw Remus, Sirius' mouth snapped shut. Remus grunted hello to him, still not fully awake, and Sirius felt his face burning. God, he was never going to get through this.

On Thursday, he ditched the Marauders after lessons, and went to the usual abandoned classroom to see Benjy. This was exactly what he needed, he thought. Half an hour with Fenwick would clear his head of all these annoying thoughts about Remus, and he could go back to being the best friend that Moony deserved. And not the queer guy who was pining after him pathetically.