fatal love

chapter 159

The next couple of weeks were rough on everyone, as news spread about the death of the Potters. Sirius tried to move on, but he found that any number of things reminded him of them. When he checked the time, he ended up getting weepy because he was looking at his Potter watch. When he opened the freezer and found an old meal that Euphemia had cooked for him, he cried. When Lily came round and asked to borrow a book, and Sirius realised it was the one Monty had given him, he couldn't bear to part with it.

Everyone was lovely, though. It was obvious that all their friends had banded together to support him and James, because Marlene visited, and then Benjy, and Peter came by every other day, splitting his time equally between Chicory Cottage and Godric's Hollow.

Remus' mum had even sent them a lasagne. It ended up making Sirius confused; it was such an adult thing to do for someone who was in mourning. He didn't think he was the type of person to get sent lasagnes, but apparently he was.

And then there was Remus himself. Remus, who had honestly been Sirius' saving grace. He never tired of Sirius' moods - whether he was angry or depressed or even mean, Remus didn't hold it against him. And Sirius had never been more thankful to have him.

But all of that didn't mean it was easy. Sirius couldn't remember ever crying this much. It hit him at random times - when he was cooking, when he went to the shops, when he was getting dressed. Sometimes nothing was even there to set him off, he'd just have a stray thought and then it would be nothing but tears and snot for hours.

He thought about all the good times, and he cried. He thought about the bad times, how sick they had been at the end, and how there had been nothing he could do, and he cried. He caught the pitying eyes of Lily, or Pete, and he cried.

Walburga would have said it was shameful, the lack of any sort of control he had at the moment, but there was nothing he could do. The old Black mask he used to be able to slip on so easily had disappeared over the years, thanks in large part to Euphemia and Fleamont, but now they were gone, and Sirius had no choice but to feel everything. Every ache, every sting, every sharp jab of loss.

Everyone was a bit emotional, a bit saddened, but Sirius really didn't know if he could handle it. For a while, he thought he would feel like this forever, that all happiness would now elude him for the rest of his life.

But slowly, piece by painful piece, the grief did fade, as everyone said it would. And when he thought of Eff and Monty, he started to smile instead of cry. The turning point was the funeral, which was a small affair on the first Sunday of June, a few weeks after the Potters had passed and the hurt, while still there, was not quite as fresh anymore. Moody hadn't wanted any large gatherings, but that was okay. The Potters had wanted to be cremated, and so instead of any fancy service, the Marauders went to Brighton and scattered their ashes in the sea.

It was a fun day, because James said that was what they would have wanted. He didn't want his goodbye to be a sad one. The five of them rented a ridiculous muggle pedal boat and went so far out that the people on the beach just looked like tiny dots in the distance. It took about an hour, and for a while they kept going in circles, and Remus kept rocking the boat and making Pete shriek, and Sirius laughed for the first time in weeks.

Remus caught his eye and smiled at him, and Sirius smiled back, tired and sad and lonely, but not as much as he had been.

Sirius allowed James to speak, and he cracked three different jokes as he said his final words to his parents, and then they each took a handful of ashes to throw into the ocean. It was chaotic, and they were all laughing by then, and Sirius and James shared a tear, but it was a happy tear.

And so Sirius grieved with James, and with the people he loved, and really, it was okay. Even if he would always miss the Potters, he remembered what Euphemia had said to him before she died. And he believed her; they still loved him, even from beyond the grave. And he felt that love, through memories, through the reminders that started to bring joy rather than sadness, through James.