fatal love

chapter 83

A week into June, and it was a Hogsmeade weekend, as a congratulations from the professors for everyone making it through their exams. It was the one he was supposed to go on with Remus, Sirius thought hollowly. Today was supposed to be their first date. They hadn't called it that, but they'd both known that's what it was. Merlin, he'd fucked everything up.

He didn't go with Marlene. He'd taken up enough of her time, so he'd insisted that she go with Mary, and spend some time away from his sulking. Alone, and with nothing to do, he went to the library.

When he got there, he noticed Remus immediately. He always noticed Remus. He was at one of the tables at the back, sat with Evans. His first thought was to leave, before he was spotted, but he couldn't. He had to try.

He approached Remus cautiously. "Hey, Moony."

Remus' head jerked up. "Sirius."

"Can we... Can we talk?"

"No," Evans said, glaring at him. "Go away."

"I wasn't talking to you," Sirius muttered. "Moony, please?"

Remus stared at him, and although his face was stony, his eyes betrayed him. They were full of sadness. "I don't think so, Padfoot," he said quietly.

"Moony, I'm... I'm falling apart here. I can't do this, I can't live with you being mad at me."

"How do you think I feel?" Remus snapped. "I feel like I never even knew you!"

"I'm sorry!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm so sorry, if I could take it back-"

"Shut up," Evans hissed. "You'll get us chucked out!"

Sirius glanced over at Madam Pince. She was watching, but when they looked her way she turned her head, steadfastly ignoring them, focussing intently on the book in front of her. "Irma won't throw me out," Sirius said. "I can yell and she won't do anything. Will that make you talk to me, Moony? I'll do it, I'll scream how sorry I am right here-"

Remus snorted. "Sorry, you're right, we forgot. The rules don't apply to the Heir, right?"

"That's- That's not what I meant! She likes me because I spend a lot of time here, and, and she doesn't think that I'm like the other Blacks, that's why she likes me, not because I'm the Heir!"

Sirius looked at Remus desperately, but Remus refused to meet his eye.

"I need to leave," he said to Lily, his voice cracking. "I can't be here with him, not right now."

Lily nodded, and they both stood up, walking away.

"Remus, wait!" Sirius shouted.

Remus paused, looking back at him.

"Next Saturday, can I-"

"No," Remus said firmly. "I don't want you there."

The next Saturday was a full moon, and it was the first one that Sirius spent without Remus since they had successfully become Animagi. The dorm was hauntingly empty that night, and Sirius didn't go to bed, but spent the whole time perched on the windowsill, looking out onto the Forest.

A little after sunrise, James and Pete arrived back. They all looked at each other for a few seconds, no one saying anything.

"Is he okay?" Sirius asked eventually.

James nodded once. "The wolf was a little worse than normal, but it was fine. No major injuries."

"Thank you," Sirius breathed. It was silent again. "I'm so sorry, I know I fucked up, but-"