fatal love

chapter 170

Be safe," Sirius whispered, "and come home soon. Come back to me."

He looked so earnest, and so unaware, that it was too painful for Remus to say anything back. The guilt that had been building in his stomach all month threatened to overwhelm him, and he shoved it back down, reminding himself that he didn't have a choice.

"I love you," Sirius said, looking up at him hopefully.

"I love you too," Remus said at once. Remember that, he thought . I know I'm about to put you through hell, but I do love you. I think you might be the only person I've ever loved.

"I'll be waiting for you."

"I... okay."

"Bye, Re."

"...Bye, Sirius."

Remus forced himself to swallow everything else he wanted to say, and apparated to the forest in South Wales that Moody had shown him weeks ago. As always, he stumbled when he landed, and cursed the bloody moon for draining his magic over a day before it was even in the sky.

His bones ached and his joints felt like they were on fire, so he did what he always did before the full moon nowadays. He made his way, slowly, deeper into the forest, somewhere he would be undisturbed for a day, and set about casting all the wards he knew, making himself as undetectable as possible. He conjured a piddly little tent and a sleeping bag, and climbed inside, his legs practically groaning in relief once he took the weight off them.

Then he had nothing to do but think, and he wondered exactly what the fuck he was doing. He knew Sirius was expecting him to come back in a couple of days, and he knew that he almost certainly wouldn't be.

But this had been planned for months. Moody had approached Remus after Edgar was killed, and told him that it hadn't been any old werewolf that killed the Bones, it had been Greyback. And they knew where he was.

So Remus was to be drafted in. Pretend he'd given up on the Order, and Dumbledore, and wizarding society at large. Gain Greyback's trust. And then do whatever was necessary.

And Remus had agreed, because this was his job, and he owed it to Dumbledore to give the Order everything he could. He knew he might be gone a long time, he knew he couldn't tell anyone, he even knew he might not make it back, but he'd been fine with all of that.

He'd thought Sirius didn't want him around anymore; in fact, he'd thought Sirius might appreciate a break from the constant awkwardness and tension. He certainly wouldn't care. So Remus had made all the necessary plans, gone over Greyback's pack, his known allies, his victims with Moody, over and over until he had it all memorised perfectly, and he thought he was ready.

But then he'd fought with Sirius. And more importantly, they'd made up. Or at least, they'd decided to move on. And suddenly Remus was very aware that he was going to leave Sirius, and he couldn't even tell him.

He'd wanted to. The week before the moon, he'd waited until Sirius was sent out on a mission with Pete and Marlene, and Remus had Flooed to Hogwarts to talk to Dumbledore himself.

"Sir," Remus said, "I know we're supposed to keep all missions a secret, but I need to tell Sirius what's happening. He has to know, he deserves to."

Dumbledore sighed, looking genuinely apologetic. "I know we're asking a lot, Remus," he said, "and I wish I could let you tell your friends. But the existence of a spy changes everything, especially for you. If Greyback knows you're coming to him under false pretences, you won't make it out alive."

"But Sirius isn't the spy," Remus said. "I know him, Sir."

"It's not that I think Mr Black is the spy," Dumbledore said gently, "but that I don't think anyone in the Order is the spy. Which means we must treat everyone like they are the spy."