𝙁𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧

28

Someone who isn't my mom because I don't want to hurt her anymore.

I hear the knob of my door slowly turn before it opens then close again. My back is to the door but I don't make any efforts to roll over and look at him.

He walks over to my desk and sets something down by the sounds of it before walking over to my bed and crawling into the empty space next to me.

He gets under the sheets, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants before pulling me closer to him. My head resting just under his, tucked into his chest. My arms wrap around his waist as our legs tangle together.

Tears seem to spill out of my eyes faster just at his gesture and a sob breaks through me as his hand runs up and down my back in a soothing motion.

He uses his free hand and brings it up, tucking my hair behind my ears before placing a light kiss on my temple and just simply me holding there.

He just wants to hold me. And I keep crying because I don't deserve him.

I don't deserve him.

I don't deserve him.

"I don't deserve you." I cry, moving my hand and fisting the front of his sweatshirt.

I feel him rest his lips against my temple again, just holding them there, and then I feel something light drop into my hair. It feels wet and I know he's crying too.

I didn't want to make him cry.

"I had a brother." I whisper. He doesn't say anything as I feel him press his face to my head.

"You don't have to tell me." He says softly.

"I want to." I need to. I stay whispering because if I try and use my full voice it will only be worse.

"We were twins actually, fraternal. And I was lucky because our sibling relationship was so much better than others. He was my built-in bestfriend. I don't think I remember a time where he wasn't there for me, being with me, standing up for me." I start. I take a deep breath as River continues rubbing my back.

"We were, uh, 16 at the time. Summer before Junior year. You remember Ben?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"Uhm, we were dating at the time. He was a Junior, going into Senior year, but we had a big friend group. I don't think they were really friends, I only think our group was so big because of what he did."

"What did he do, if you don't mind me asking?"

I stay silent for a moment, debating how I should say it. I mean, there's no easy way to say it. You just say it.

"He was a drug dealer." I say quietly and I feel him tense next to me.

"I, um," I pause to clear my throat.

Please don't look at me differently.

"I used to do drugs, like hardcore ones. I never really had a reason why, I just did it. We were in high school and I wanted to try new things, but then I liked the feeling and it ended up becoming a bigger problem. But I didn't realize it was a problem at the time because everyone around me did the same. Not as much. But they did some. And they kept feeding it to me, influencing and allowing me. So I didn't see it as an issue. I didn't see it influencing others. I didn't see it hurting others."