The ultimate joke book

Funny rants 2

My shout outs are for @AriTay_39, tayloryuill_taylz, Sora-san, YurikoAikina and basicmalik.

Scrambling up the order

Woman: "I want an omelette: no mushrooms, no meat, no onion, no salt, no pepper, and could the eggs be scrambled?"

Waiter: "So, you want scrambled eggs with tomatoes and cheese?"

Woman: "No, I want an omelette."

Needs Baaaacon

(The zombie apocalypse has just begun. The supermarket I work at is being looted by the survivors and I decide to join in. As I'm filling up my bag with canned goods a customer approaches me.)

Customer: "I need bacon."

Me: "Seriously?"

Customer: "Yes, seriously! I demand to eat bacon! I will NOT start the zombie apocalypse on common canned goods."

Me: "Well, then, try the meat section. Now if you don't mind, I-"

Customer: "I already tried the meat section, stupid! It's empty! I need you to go into the back and get me some!"

(I am so shocked by this customer's attitude that I have no response. Then I realize the back does contain more canned goods that I can use, so I decide to play along and go look for his bacon. I get to the back and I see the door has just burst open with some ravenous zombies. Luckily they don't see me and I sneak back out on to the shop floor, only to be confronted by the customer.)

Customer: Well?! Where is my bacon?!"

Me: "You know what, sir? There's so much bacon back here I couldn't carry it all. But it's all free so why don't you go back there and help yourself?"

Customer: *eyes light up* "Really?"

Me: "Sure! Knock yourself out."

Will Have To Chew On That Lie For A While

(Our policy is that if a patron returns a book damaged, they pay for it. We get a lot of arguments that "it was like that when I checked it out," but we check items for damage before they're checked out.)

Coworker: "I'm sorry; it looks like this book was returned with damage. There'll be a replacement fee."

Patron: "I didn't do it! It was like that before I checked it out!"

Coworker: "Ma'am, this book has been dog-chewed. There's no way we would check a book out in this condition."

Patron: "But it couldn't have been me! I don't even own a dog!"

(The book in question was a puppy-training manual.)

When Lary Met Crazy

(I am working in the afternoon as a board operator at a local country music station. At the top of every hour they play a five-minute feed from CNN news.)

Me: "Thank you for calling [Station Name]. How may i help you today?"

Caller: "I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO LARRY KING!"

Me: "Okay, sir, I'm afraid I cannot do that. We are a-"

Caller: "I KNOW D***-WELL WHAT YOU ARE! LET ME SPEAK TO LARRY KING!"

Me: "I understand, but Larry King doesn't work here. We only air CNN news, which comes in via an automated service."

Caller: "YEAH! CNN! THAT'S YOU GUYS! CNN! LARRY KING IS ON CNN! LET ME TALK TO LARRY NOW!"

Me: "Sir, I'm afraid I cannot do that. He is not here in our studio. We are not CNN."

Caller: "YOUR MANAGER, NOW! YOU'RE FIRED!"

Me: "Okay, please hold."

(I transfer him to my manager. 10 minutes later...)

Manager: "I just dealt with the most angry man who thinks Larry King works here."

Me: "I tried to explain to him that we only play CNN news on the top of the hour and that we are not CNN news."

Manager: "Yeah, I told him the same."

Me: "So how did you get rid of him?"

Manager: "I told him that Larry King traces all his calls before taking them and he hung up really quickly after that."

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