The ultimate joke book

Funny statuses 2

I got this idea from @themegster317 so thank you. Its called the tag challenge. How many people in the comments can you tag?

20: Needs improvement

40: Alright

60: Getting better

80: Cool

100: Amazing

200+: Epic

My shout outs are for Amrita96, IAmTheChildOfHades, BritishFlower, Slowbropro112114 and Black-and-Yellow.

Rhetorical

If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.

Crazy

I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.

Meal

That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever.

Facebook

Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook.

Woman

Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.

Video

Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.

Reincarnated

I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...

Crystal ball

If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.

Face

Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

Pizza

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza.

I do

Sorry I said "You'll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.

Cooler

Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.

Waiting

It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

Grease

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70's when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Job

I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

Chicken pot pie

Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.

Stupid

I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew

Pretty girl

I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality.

Jealous

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

Love

If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.

Toilet

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again.

Toast popping

Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.

HR

HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.

Prop tip

PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.

Thank you so much for reading. Please vote and comment I would really appreciate it.