The ultimate joke book

Funny statuses

My shout outs are for Fat_unicorns, Femaleandroid17, TheHuntersBird, tipsyditi and withoutnighttt. Please go and check out their books.

Single

Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

Bed

I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.

Prescription

I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

Vegas

What happens in Vegas never happens to me

Expectations

Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

Names

You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...

Movies

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it's not on Netflix.

Devices

I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

Age

Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.

People

I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

Diet

My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.

Auto-correct

I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...

Double life

I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.

Mailman

I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

Beautiful

CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

Courage

Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.

Breakfast

I'm about to eat petrol station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.

Giraffes

I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

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