The ultimate joke book

Funny puns 2

My shout outs are for MyGhettoGospel_, Error_Macro, Pastelmask,--Sparkles-- and dog_luver_1.

Banned camp

One time,

at banned camp,

I felt really excluded.

Machine

Man - You know, I have passed driving exams. Now I'll be choosing a machine to buy. Maybe you could advise which machine would be the best?

Woman - Washing one...

Police

- Who is there?

- Police?

- What do you want?

- We want to talk.

- How many of you are there?

- Two.

- So talk with each other.

Two types if guests

There are two types of guests: the ones, who want to stay longer, and the ones, who want to go home asap. Strangely enough, these two types are normally found in married couples.

Apple

What's worse than eating an apple and finding a worm?

Eating an apple and finding half a worm.

Broccoli

Broccoli: "It seems to me that I am like a tree."

Walnut: "And I'm like little brains."

Mushroom: "Ha, but I look like an umbrella."

Banana: "I do not like this conversation..."

Pretty fee

A singer during his tour arrives to a small province town and asks for a pretty high fee:

- Everybody knows  me – says he to the chairman of local culture office, trying to persuade him.

Finally the concert takes place, but only three people came to it.

- You are a liar, you told me that everyone knows you, but only three man came to your concert, - rebels the chairman.

- Of course, - says the singer – only those three came, who didn’t know me.

Restaurant

Waitress - What would you like to eat?

Girl - I would prefer to read the menu first.

Waitres - If you want to read, go to the library.

Bartender

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman to place 10 mugs and fill in with the beer. The bartender places mugs and starts filling them. The guy follows him and drink beer immediately. The bartender asks:

-Why are you so in a hurry?

-If you would have, what I have, you would be also in a hurry.

The bartender steps back a little bit and asks:

-And what do you have?

-Somewhere around 70 pence.

Letter