The ultimate joke book

Funny comebacks/situations 2

My shout outs today are for _Loveing-Life_, thatinvisiblekid12, Romario181, marielakiba and ZoellaHeart.

How to say someone is stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

4. Too much rubbish between the goal posts.

5. Dumber than a box of hair.

6. A few peas short of a casserole.

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

Someplace

Man - Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman - Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Drink

Man - Can I buy you a drink?

Woman - I think I'd rather have the money!

Saturday

Man - Will you go out with me this Saturday?

Woman - Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

Empty

Man - Is this seat empty?

Woman - Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Living

Man - So what do you do for a living?

Woman - I'm a female impersonator.

Employee

An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check...

Employee - Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.

Boss - I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn't complain!

Employee - Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!

Soap

Person#1: Why do you smell funny?

Person#2: It's called Soap - didn't think you would have smelt it before.

Rude

I'm not rude, you're just insignificant.

Validating

You're validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Face

I'll never forget a face but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Two brain cells

You've got two brain cells, one's in a wheelchair, the other's pushing.

Approach

I like your approach, now let me see your departure.

Exceptional talent

Thanks, we're all refreshed by your exceptional talent.

Tape

I'm just visualizing that tape around your mouth now.

Humiliation

I see you've set sometime aside to humiliate yourself in public.

Follow

People would follow him anywhere.....but only out of morbid curiosity.

Words

Words fail me.

Reasonable

You sound reasonable, time to up the medication.

Old

Don't say anything, the snark's just getting old.

Message

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Wrong cage

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

Dark ages

You should have been born in the Dark Ages, you look terrible in the light.

Funny remarks

You should toss out more of your funny remarks, that's all they're good for.

Downhill

You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.

Problem

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Really easy to get along with

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

Misconception

I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

Sounds like English

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

Thankless job

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Look

Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

Opposite

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

Truth

I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.

Idiot

I know I'm talking like an idiot.

Understand me

I have to, other wise you wouldn't understand me.

Sharp tongue

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

Thank you for reading. Please vote and comment your feedback, if you do I will give you a follow.