The ultimate joke book

Funny tweets

My shout outs are for @lovelybrunette7, gigglegirl113, smileystache24, Femaleandroid17 and caliispretty. Please go and check out these peoples books.

Katy Perry~

"I refuse to speak starbucks until I have actually learned italian #goodmorningilltakealarge."

Jonah Hill~

"I am starting a twitter beef with myself."

Jimmy Kimmel~

"More children should be named after WIFI networks."

Olivia Wilde~

"Happy as a kitten? No to feminine. Happy as a cow? No to political. A baby? Our safest bet is a clam everyone loves clams."

Abigail Breslin~

"If I NEVER hear the word "swag" again. I will have heard the word "swag" too many times in my life."

Dane Cook~

"If you believe in failure you can make it happen."

Eugene Mirman~

"If you watch Eminem sing with the sound off, it looks like he's giving directions to a very hard to find place."

Jeff Ross~

"I hear producers are already working on 13 Years a Slave".

Gary Janetti~

"Why don't psychics have nicer stuff?"

"It's a weird moment when you're complaining about pretty girls and an unattractive gal says 'yeah, we're the worst."

"With the amount of times I rub my iPhone face grease on my trousers, I'm surprised my jeans don't have acne."

"Next time a girl tells you 'looks aren't everything', tell them they need to lose weight."

"They say English is the hardest language to learn and yet all of us here know it. Well done on that everybody."

Alex Baze~

"I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 people who just walk around with salads."

Kumali Nanjiani~

"If I could talk to 10 yr old me I'd tell him not to let the way others see him define how he sees himself. And also like buy a kale farm."

"The most common recurring thought I've had in my whole life is "I should charge my phone."

Carry Brownstein~

"It's not eating well and exercise that keep me youthful, it's packing dirty laundry in my suitcase to wash at my parent's house."

"Sometimes I half expect my plate of food to speak up and plaintively ask why I never take its picture."

"Would like to propose "HELPIE" as a "SELFIE" that's not only a self-portrait but a simultaneous cry for help."

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