Do You Know Who You Are? (l.s.)

45

Louis Tomlinson

"She told me she wanted to break up with me because she realized that she loved you. She was the love of my life and you stole her from me!"

Mark's words echo again and again in my brain as I stare into the emptiness of my thoughts. For the first time in my life I can finally understand Sarah and I's last conversation. The last piece I was missing came to me at the most unexpected moment, when for once I wasn't trying to figure it all out. Sarah loved me. What the fuck? I'm so blind.

Mark's voice isn't the only one I hear, Sarah's too. Both of them told me something before dying and those words are haunting me, and it feels like they'll never stop.

"Louis? Do you believe it's possible to find the ONE?"

"I don't know Sarah. Do you?"

"Yes. I think I found him."

Everynight I lived this moment again, at the time I had no idea it was actually her last words and that understanding them would take so long. I remember how her eyes were deep in mine while I didn't think about anything else than her love for Mark. She was talking about me and I broke her heart for the first time right when she said it. I broke her heart right before her death, wow, that's worse than I thought.

But isn't it time for me to move on? She is gone and she won't come back right? I have to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. I need to just let what happened behind me and embrace the beautiful things I have in front of me now. Well... Good luck with that, Louis.

I exhale loudly before coming back to reality. I see the back of Niall's head as he is driving in the passenger seat right in front of me. Liam is in the car too, he insisted for us to use his car but let Niall drive since he couldn't because of his little vacation at the hospital. First I was supposed to be the one driving but Niall yelled at me and said that he wanted to drive, his major argument was that it's one of the rare times he is sober and he wanted to have a bit of fun out of it. So, here I am, seated on one of the back seats of the huge car with Liam and Niall having a little chat as I'm alone in the silence of the back. Like the good old times.

It's not that it bothers me, it's just that my dear friend named anxiety is coming back and something else to think about would be welcome right now. Actually, I'm more confused than anxious. Should I be worried? I haven't killed anyone right? So getting anxious is totally fine? It's fine, right? I'm just going back to my house, nothing unusual. And my fabulous friends are with me. I think I have to learn what it is to be anxious again. Wait, I definitely haven't killed anyone. Didn't think about it but now that I do... wow, that's great news.

I finally recognize the streets I grew up in and when Niall parks the car in front of my mum and I's house a good anxiety -let's call it like that now- fills my body instantly. Because, well, last time I came it was in order to take stuff before leaving everything I loved and the time before I found my mum's body. So, yes, I understand why this isn't something I'm enjoying. But I have to, I can't just leave it and never come back, right?

"Louis?" I snap out of my thoughts and stop staring at the house on my left to look at Liam. He is turned towards me with his seat belt still on and offers me a warm smile, as always. "Everything is alright, just go. We'll be waiting for you, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I know." I gesture my hand in the air and act like it was nothing, but everyone in the car can see I'm not relaxed about it. "Right!" I clap my hands on my tights and exhale the air out of my lungs. I stop looking at Liam, take my seatbelt off and slowly grab the door handle. "I'm going." I stare at the house again and right before I open the door Liam speaks again.