Do You Know Who You Are? (l.s.)

17

Louis Tomlinson

Showers have always been important moments to me, it's the occasion to focus on your thoughts and listen to them. I feel the warm stream falling against my skin, on my back, my arms and my neck. The water is washing my body from all the things I saw the previous night and it allows me to start the day focused on what's real.

When I woke up an hour ago, a heavy guilt fell on me. Yesterday dinner was a disaster and I shouldn't have ended it like I did. I know my mom understood how I felt and that when I'll talk with her later she will let me decide if I want to talk about it or not.

Now, with the water all over my hair and body, I wonder how Harry is feeling about it. Of course I don't want him to be angry at me or just sad but the worse would be if he feels like he did something wrong. That's only my fault I should move on with all this stupid thing and do what I want, but hey, it's not easy.

I'll be honest, I hoped to see a message from Harry on my screen when I looked at my phone this morning. I haven't heard anything from him since I left the room and God knows how he feels about what happened. And by what happened I mean the dinner but not only. I don't think I'll be able to believe Liam when he says that Harry is not playing with me. I mean look at the man, I don't even deserve to be able to look at him.

Like I said showers help to focus on your thoughts, but it's always risky and dangerous. Yes it allows you to find a way to deal with things but it makes you think about stuff you forgot too, and most of the time it's not happy things. For example now I realise that Harry is aware of who Sarah is, well not totally but he will ask me about it or even find it himself.

She is haunting me everyday and thinking about it makes my head spin, under the warm water I uncontrollably start feeling guilty and angry. I open my eyes to see my fist on the wall in front of me, the urge to punch takes over me and I hit with all my strength my knuckles against the wet surface.

I hit, hit and hit again. The pain makes the anger disappear as the water turns pink with my blood. My arm is getting slower with every hit, my hand finally stops, my head and my bloody fist stay still against the wall and I'm just exhausted from fighting against all of this.

I let my breath get calmer and after cleaning my hand I turn the stream off. The silence bathroom makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world, destined to be lonely, forever.

My mom is waiting for me downstairs to go to the cemetery with me, I don't feel like going alone and I know she is my best support. I tiredly step out of the shower, grab a towel and meet eyes with my own reflection. The mirror is kind of blurry but I still can see how fucked up I look. If I want to talk with Harry it's better if I call or text him, he would be scared if we were face to face.

While I put my red hoodie and black pants on I remember that when I'm not feeling good Phil was the only person able to make me feel better. Actually, Liam helps a lot too, I should probably talk to him today because I clearly need someone to cheer me up and I'm sure Funny Man will be happy to. My hand hurts with each movement I do but it doesn't look bad, I don't care, it's just to remind me what pain feels like and what I deserve.

I take my phone on my bed when I step out of the bathroom. Here we go, one more day in Louis' fucking life. I never call Liam, first because you know who I am and secondly because I never call him. "That makes sense" you'll tell me, well the thing is that as I never call him if I do he will probably think it's urgent and stop everything he is doing to answer. I don't want him to lose a patient or anything because of me, so I text him.

We still have to talk, Li. You're free for lunch?

I only have time to run downstairs before hearing my phone buzzing. As my foot finally leaves the last stair, I turn on the phone I still have in hand to read his answer. I quickly jump to the conclusion that he is free, he answered not long after I send it, meaning he is on his phone and probably chilling in his house. I feel like I could do Harry's job, I would be good at it, right?