Do You Know Who You Are? (l.s.)

26

Louis Tomlinson

"I want to die, Sarah."

"I want to stop breathing, fighting, living and feeling."

"My mom was here, alone, laying on the floor when I ran in the house, I should have been sad or scared. Well, I was scared. But scared of myself, of how I already saw this scene, I was scared of what I did, of what I became and how I can't be angry towards my loneliness because it's my very own creation."

"I killed you, I killed Julia, I killed Phil and I killed my mom."

The rain falling on my body makes me fall with it, the ground is hard under me and I lay my back on Sarah's grave to find the feeling I had when she took me in her warm arms. This was a long time ago and I still can remember how strong it made me feel. It's the first time I see her grave, I never found the strength before and I still don't have it now. No, if I'm here it's because I'm so desperate and disgusted by myself that I want her to see me like that, I want her to see that I got what I deserve and that deep down I regret what happened.

My body creates an obscurity around my sight that reminds me of how I'm lost right now. Liam told me to not believe that I was the one who killed them if it wasn't something I wanted, but was it something I wanted? Why would I kill them if I didn't want them to die you'll ask me? Because it's the only way I found to make me suffer, I guess. I have nobody in my life anymore, nobody to bring me the joy I don't deserve, that means I succeed, I'm alone, sad, ashamed and it's exactly why I did it all. I don't even deserve to control my life.

I saw myself kill my mom during a panic attack and finding her dead right after made me realise how implicated I was in all this story. I want to scream when I think of all those panic attacks I had and how each of them happened before the death of someone I loved, this is not a coincidence.

Sunday 2nd April, the night is awful and I have one of my worst attacks. Two days later, Liam tells me about Julia's death.

I killed her.

Thursday 6th April, right before going to the bar I got really late because of another attack and the day after I discovered Phil's death.

I killed him

Tuesday 11th April, my attack happens when I sleep and I have this awful nightmare of my mom getting killed. I got home the next morning and found her lying on the floor.

I-

I killed her.

"Sarah, I killed every single one of you and I can't even remember! Why can't I even remember Sarah?"

My cheeks burn under my tears and it contrasts with how cold my body is under the rain. Escaping death when people are around me is impossible for them. At first, I was upset about what happened with Harry, but now I'm grateful I don't have to make him leave my life. I'll go to Liam's wedding and that will be the last time I talk to him. He is a fabulous person and life will not be easy without him but I rather like him hating me than dead.

I just hope Harry didn't get attached to me because he'll never see me again.

"Louis?"

Harry? Leave my head Harry.

"Louis?"

His voice echoes again in my ear between the rain's noises. It travels in my whole body and makes me consider that he is probably here next to me. I take my head out of the home I created with my body and discover how my vision is blurred with tears.

But he is here, I would recognize his silhouette anywhere, tall, long hair, hands in his dark coat's pocket. In my dreams and hopes I get up and wrap my arms around his wet frame, but I won't. In a quick movement I get on my knees and desperately face Sarah's name. This way I can't see Harry anymore, he is out of my sight, out of my actions and out of my life. As he should.