Do You Know Who You Are? (l.s.)

43

Louis Tomlinson

I need a job.

With all the shit that happened in my life lately I’ve seen it change brutally and a stable job could be a good help to stay grounded. I’ve lost my mum, Phil, my house, my job and even my doctor. Well, no, I haven’t lost my house, it’s just like- you know, I can’t go back there, it’s- nevermind. Let’s ignore that for now, I need to get up and find a fucking job before becoming indepent of Harry -if it’s not already done.

I shot my eyes open with the determination to get my life in order. First the sunlight blind me a bit but as soon as my eyes get used to it I look around and find myself alone in the bed. Did I fucking overslept again? Shit. I sit on the soft bed and grab my previous day’s clothes from the floor. Because yes, walking naked in Harry’s house isn’t something I’m going to do today.

With my clothes on I get out of the warm bedroom to find a quiet and empty house. “Hazz?”. The pain in my butt isn’t bothering me as I walk downstairs and towards every room of Harry’s house, why is his house so big for fuck’s sake? “Harry? Where are you?” I keep traveling in the cold house and each time I find another empty room I get a little bit more anxious. I can’t be alone, not now, not yet. “Harry Fucking Styles! Don’t tell me you left!” My screams aren’t helping my nerves at all, I get out of the bathroom and stop in the hallway. 

It’s time to work on yourself Louis, stay calm, breathe slowly and don’t kill anyone. Shouldn’t be too hard, right? I use every word I remember from what Harry told me, I give them the control in my brain as it’s the only thing I can rely on now. Shit. Harry where the fuck are you? It starts again and you’re not here. Stress, anxiousness and those words again. Not Harry’s, no, the words of my nightmares. Punch. Hit. Fall. Die.

Stay focused Louis, don’t let it win! I stand tall in the middle of this silence and all I can focus on is this stupid painting on the wall. I look at it and the more I do the more I wonder how Harry ended up buying this thing. I try my best for an instant to think about the story of the painting, of how Harry found it and all the things that could make me forget about the anxiety filling my blood.

“Fucking ugly painting!” Yep, of course it doesn’t work, why would it? I slowly step back and press my back against the wall. “You little shit…” I whisper as I let my body fall and end up sitting on the floor, my back on the cold surface and my knees against my chest. “you’re so weak, can’t even deal with your own life… So you had to take other’s, how can you even believe someone loves you. Nobody falls for a murderer, they just have pity.”

I wish I stayed seated like this though, but no, I didn’t. The anxious energy moving everywhere inside of me makes me unable to stay still, I stood up and now I’m walking around the house again. Let’s see what I find first, could be a fitness room, a strong alcohol bottle, a knife or even a butt plug, I don’t care, I just need something to stop this before it’s too late. I walk, walk and run until I find something, two things actually. In the kitchen I see the usual kitchen knife that I know can help me easily but next to it there is a phone. And I stare at it. I remember the things Harry told me, how he loved me and how he would be there for me. But he isn’t, but he must have a good reason, but I don’t deserve to ruin his life with my fucked up issues. Shit. I step closer and grab the phone.

I don’t even remember what happened between the moment I took it and the moment I heard the first ring but the phone is an old one and I’m grateful I understood how it worked. And I walk again. I turn around the countertop and with each corner I hear one more sound coming from the phone. I wait and shit, voicemail. Ah! Harry where the fuck are you?

I desperately look around and try to avoid any eye contact with the knife I previously found. And thank God, I find something. Niall’s number is written on a small paper attached to the grey fridge. Here we go. I diall his number and before I can even start walking again I hear his voice.